


Just Once

by AmelieofK



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Chaptered, Completed, Fluff, M/M, junbin, junbob
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2020-09-26 14:40:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 26,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20391340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmelieofK/pseuds/AmelieofK
Summary: In the aftermath of 12th June, amidst the turbulence of losing Hanbin from their group, the remaining members of iKON struggle to fathom a future unimaginable without their leader. While they remained steadfast in their brotherhood, as the days passed and new relationships begin to form, it became clear that things will never be the way it was before. Will these new found feelings stay hidden, buried deep into the darkness, never to be spoken of again? Or will it gather enough traction to explode and tear into whatever was left of their dreams?





	1. A Secret Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> I know. I have no business starting another chaptered fic whilst I have two more WIPs in my list. But...a story is borne not out of whim but out of necessity. In this case, I was in so much pain and I needed to 'detoxify'. It's probably going to end up angsty (and probably shitty) but I'm writing it. For me and my sanity.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Junhoe sneaks out and meets Hanbin for the first time since June 12th.

Hanbin was sidled against the lamppost. Junhoe exhaled, hurrying his steps on the tarmac of the parking lot, glancing furtively about, the lower half of his face, hidden by the winter coat, the upper half by the SuRF cap Jiwon had given him less than two weeks ago. Hanbin spotted him and waved eagerly.

“_Hyung_.” Junhoe greeted, spitting fumes between his teeth as the cold air took over and engulfed his breath into a minute cloud. The cold was not biting, not yet. At night though, the breeze from the river could be sharp. Junhoe’s eyes latched onto Hanbin’s face. His jawline was more defined, cheeks slightly gaunt, eyes a little more bloodshot than normal and there was what looked to be a beginning of a stubble under his chin. “Man, you look like crap.” Junhoe declared in a whisper.

“How did you escape undetected?” Hanbin asked, clasping Junhoe’s hand, trying to draw warmth, but the tapered fingers were like ice, still soft and comforting though.

“Jiwon-_hyung_ helped distract Jaeho-_hyung_ and I managed to sneak out.” He enthused with a pride Hanbin found puzzling. Also Jiwon-_hyung_? Hanbin could discern a fundamental change at the way he breathed Jiwon’s name. There was no hesitation and he sounded jubilant as he shook Hanbin’s hand slightly and released it.

“_Kuraesso_.” Hanbin replied without fervour. “How is everyone?” He added, with no real interest.

“Everyone’s good. Yunhyeong-_hyung_ is training with Hwangssabu-_nim_ more often now. Jinhwan-_hyung_ says he’s cutting down on wine and Donghyukie made some changes to the choreography to that new song.” Junhoe informed him with an exuberance he found slightly disconcerting. They had walked as they talked. The walkway was thankfully deserted, so they had some privacy. “Also, Chanwoo might get to star in a drama next year.” He added, flashing that indulgent smile Hanbin had carved into his mind so many times over the years.

Junhoe’s happiness had an innocence that was enviable. He might look as if he could cut glass, but chances of the glass cutting him in real life was definitely higher and possible.

“_Jjinjja_?” Hanbin uttered genuinely surprised. “Everyone sounds so busy.” He added, in afterthought.

Junhoe remained quiet. It was the kind of silence that was pregnant with intent. Hanbin could already guess what Junhoe was about to tell him. Jiwon had texted him last week and he was not at all surprised that Junhoe was sharing it with him this week.

They had officially become a couple. Jiwon was overjoyed with relief that Junhoe had accepted him and had informed Hanbin before telling anyone else. After all, he and Jiwon are best friends.

“Well, I have some good news to tell you too!” Junhoe’s excitement was palpable. Even his steps seem light and springy. Hanbin finally realised the reason for such a change. Junhoe is obviously, head over heels in love, something Hanbin had himself felt two years ago. Junhoe showed all the signs; the excitement, the sparkle of joy in his eyes, the way his lips curl at the ends whenever he spoke…Jiwon’s name.

“June-ya. Before you do, can I just say something?” Hanbin interrupted and stopped suddenly along the path. Junhoe turned to him, blissfully unaware and seemingly contented, gazing at him expectantly. “If my case does not come to a close by end of this year, I might not return to the entertainment industry.” The silence that greeted this announcement was filled with heaviness.

“Will you tell everyone this when we meet for dinner next week?” Junhoe’s voice was small and filled with sadness. It was one of the reasons Hanbin had fallen in love with him. Junhoe might be many things, but his voice and his actions could never lie. Hanbin shrugged.

“I don’t know. I thought you deserve to know it first.” Hanbin admitted. Because when it came to music, they shared the same wavelength; the process, the way they cull inspiration, translate it into words and paper. Also, because he knew Junhoe was waiting for him, for the music.

“That’s not going to stop me from sending you my poems, _hyung_.” Junhoe sniffled, adjusting his collar. More like trying to wipe his tears, probably. “I made another song. I’ll send it to you later.”

“You should not share it on social media. That should be lesson number one.” Hanbin replied in a tone Junhoe had never heard before. There was a quality to it that was heavy and haunting.

“What have you been doing at home, then?” Junhoe asked, to divert the attention away from the sadness that threatened to fill the empty spaces between them now.

“Nothing.” Hanbin lied. He had ten songs already lined up. Once the EDM soundboard he had ordered two weeks ago was delivered, his home studio would probably be set up and ready to go.

The silence again. Nothing too heavy this time, just them walking together, taking in the river, the silhouette of the trees and the way the skies were awash with the shimmer of stars. “So, you and Jiwon, huh?” Hanbin finally returned to the crux of this whole meet-up. From the corner of his eyes, he could see Junhoe’s chin jutting ever so slightly in excitement.

“Yeah.” He muttered, trying to be solemn, as if Hanbin could not tell the difference between a staid ‘Yeah’ and a hell ‘Yeah’. Especially one coming from him.

_Where does that leave me? What about the feelings I harboured for you for the last three years, then? And now that I am no longer around, suddenly the two of you are together?_

Hanbin had not even realised that Junhoe had stopped walking, so engrossed was he in his own train of questions which were unanswered and probably will be left unanswered forever. He turned, looking at Junhoe in surprise and walked back slowly.

‘What’s wrong, Junhoe?” Hanbin should have picked it up earlier. He had become pensive again. Hanbin took one of his hands, holding it tightly.

“Are you okay with us being together?” Junhoe asked what had been hidden in his heart. It was the only reason he had asked Hanbin to meet him so discreetly at this time of the night. It had warranted enough of an escape from the confines of the dorm that had seemed to become more and more like a prison since Hanbin was forced to evict. He needed Hanbin’s blessings, as he does for anything pertaining to his life. “Jiwon told me that he was with you before we debuted. I…I’m sorry…I didn’t know.” Junhoe stuttered and suddenly could not look Hanbin in the eyes.

“Nobody knew actually except for maybe, Jinhwan-_hyung_.” Hanbin stated nonchalantly. “Plus you were still a kid.” Hanbin teased.

“Ya~Kim Hanbin. We are the same age, you know.” He joked, pretending to put his hand around Hanbin's neck and then thought better of it. Instead, he rested it on Hanbin’s shoulder. “Were you in love with him?” Junhoe asked cautiously and Hanbin realised that Junhoe was probably worried that he might still have feelings for Jiwon.

“He was my first love, actually.” Hanbin admitted, with no trace of hurt. “We were almost always together. It seemed inevitable that we ended up falling in love with each other.” He gazed closely at Junhoe’s profile, trying to cram everything into the banks of his memory. The way the silhouette of his profile looked extremely attractive even beneath the shadow of his cap, slightly hidden by the flappy collar of his winter jacket. Hanbin could already feel his heart thumping just at the sight of those plump lips that now would probably never belong to him. Hanbin thought about how he should write that down and turn it into a song.

“What happened,_ hyung_? I mean…did he break your heart or was it the other way around…” Junhoe tapered off, his eyes searching the surface of the water, trying hard to channel the calm.

“No.” Hanbin stated boldly. Junhoe’s eyes were on him, looking slightly horrified as if during the two months’ that he was not with them, he had somehow found a way to read minds. “No. What you wanted to know was whether or not, you were the cause of our break-up?” Even after being away for so long, Hanbin could still read him like a book. Junhoe grinned sheepishly, predictably scratching the back of his head, a trait Hanbin had utterly missed.


	2. A Conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Junhoe's secret meeting with Hanbin ends with an unexpected move.

The truth was far more simpler, and very much ironic in their case.

They both had fallen out of love with each other and they both had fallen in love with someone else, that was the simple equation.

The irony being, that both their someone else happened to be one Koo Junhoe.

They had remained best friends, of course, considering that the split was mutual and amicable. What was unexpected for Hanbin was Jiwon coming into the studio one day while he was wallowing in the misery of a failed second album. Jiwon looked nervous and harried, a state he was barely in, unless they were about to perform or he was trying to get some down time. Since they were doing neither, Hanbin just gazed at him calmly.

“Just come out and fucking say it, man. I got stuff to complete here.” Hanbin piqued. Anyone who has been around Hanbin long enough knew that Tiger-Bin never comes to play, especially in the midst of studio time.

“I…I think…I’ve fallen in love.” Jiwon stuttered, the slits of his peepers blinking rapidly as if he had suddenly gone epileptic and could no longer think straight.

Hanbin, already plagued with the nightmare of bad reviews and onslaught of haters calling them flops, was already driven sleepless by his own personal struggles. Of overcoming a failed second album, while at the same time, becoming hopelessly attracted to someone in their group, became apprehensive immediately.

“Who?” Hanbin asked, hiding his urgency and keeping his gaze level, taking in that ridiculous mop of blonde-black curls running amok on top of the rapper’s head. _Jinhwan, please tell me it’s Jinhwan or even Yunhyeong_, Hanbin pleaded deep within the recesses of the mind even he himself, had barely any access to, sometimes. _Anyone but him_, Hanbin thought desperately.

“Junhoe. Koo Junhoe.” Jiwon told him, as if he needed to say it twice to rub the fact into Hanbin’s id.

Hanbin could feel his heart clenched hearing that name between Jiwon’s lips. 

_When did Hanbin fall in love with him?_

Just slightly after they debuted. Prior to that even, maybe, just before he finally managed to finish Rhythm Ta. It was something that simply…happened.

They were lounging at the couch one moment, Hanbin thought he had the beat locked down but something was missing. Hanbin had sat back on his chair swivelling side to side, eyes on Junhoe, thinking how resplendent he looked with that platinum blond hair, lying back onto the sofa like some demi-god sprung from Olympus, one leg resting across Jinhwan’s lap. Junhoe had his eyes closed, humming a tune and Hanbin was running the whole song in his head, deciding vocal placement. They had to tie up final recording by tonight.

“Do that again.” Hanbin suddenly spoke up, eyes on Junhoe. With the exception of Jiwon, who was probably deep in slumber under his cap, everyone peered at Hanbin. Junhoe sat up, wondering if Hanbin was even talking to him. “That tune you were humming. Do it again.” Hanbin was drumming his fingers against his lips as if trying to catch that melody. Junhoe hummed again.

Like Hanbin, he had the song played many times in his head, but unlike Hanbin, he was prone to adding his own ad libs and melodies to songs he was already familiar with.

They had been doing almost nothing for the past two hours, but now Hanbin was galvanized into action. Yunhyeong, who had been lounging on the other couch with Jiwon, started moving as Donghyuk and Chanwoo gathered behind the control panel as Hanbin started the song midway and then added Junhoe’s tune. Their eyes were nailed on him but Hanbin’s eyes was only on Junhoe.

That was when he knew. He also knew that Junhoe absolutely hated the image he was assigned to at their debut. A platinum haired, blue eyed Lothario. He felt imprisoned by it, burdened. While everyone kept exclaiming how the look suits him, he had whined to Hanbin why there was a need to do it.

“Why can’t I just be a singer? A normal singer? Someone else can take the image, Yunhyeong or Chanwoo.” He had groaned walking in after the salon appointment. Hanbin had gazed at him in amusement as he remained on his bed.

“Someone has to do it, June-ya.” He explained calmly. Junhoe was slouching in front of the mirror, fingers tugging at the ends of his hair, which somehow, looked stunning on him. Hanbin walked over, amazed by how tall he had shot up, how sharp his nose and his jaw had become. He had been instructed to lose weight and gain some muscle. He had to attend lessons in posture and body language, for which he barely paid any attention to, much to Sajang-nim’s detriment. Hanbin wanted to tell him that Junhoe had all the rights to be himself except at that time, he had not dared to.

“I looked like a foreigner.” Junhoe declared into the mirror. Hanbin stood behind him, pushing his shoulders back.

“You look very handsome. You’ll be our main visual. With your height and your good looks, we’ll get more fans.” Hanbin assured him.

“Nonsense. People should love me for my voice. I have a good voice, don’t I? Shouldn’t that be enough?” He had whined again. Hanbin gazed at him in the mirror, realising just how easy it is to love Junhoe with the way he structures his thoughts and views of the world.

“Of course, you have a great voice, but we must make people stop and listen. Anyone can be made pretty, but we need people to stop long enough to discover that you are more than just a pretty face.” Hanbin argued his point. Junhoe’s eyes were on him; apprehensive and filled with hesitation but never questioning, no. Hanbin had grinned sheepishly, holding him around by the shoulder.

“Ah~you are trolling me!” Junhoe laughed. Hanbin loved that deep, husky quality and the way Junhoe was gazing at him in disbelief now. Hanbin realised that he loved that even more.

“Ya~you know our group has no visuals!” Hanbin was declaring, giggling loudly and slapping his thigh. Junhoe side eyes him, clucking his tongue as he continued looking into the mirror. Hanbin knew better than to praise him for his good looks or the fact that the look absolutely befitted him. Junhoe would absolutely not believe him.

~~~~~

“Yunhyeong-_hyung_ says he’s going to cook _dakgalbi_ for us next week.” Junhoe was saying now. They had found a bench to sit on and a gentle breeze blew across the river. It seemed almost natural to sit close to each other. The night was getting colder. Junhoe’s phone beeped. It was Jiwon reminding him he only had fifteen minutes before Jaeho-hyung came downstairs to check up on him.

“Are they calling you already?” Hanbin asked, plumes wafting from his breath as the cold began to nip the air. Junhoe shook his head. The silence was not awkward and not completely uncomfortable this time. Hanbin kept his gaze straight, willing his heartbeat to a slow, despite knowing it would be a futile exercise.

Long moments that felt interminable, filled with feelings that would not form itself completely and words that that could not possibly be expressed without the fear of consequences. Hanbin would have been perfectly fine in it, if Junhoe had not leaned in slightly to rest his head on his shoulder.

There was a time when Junhoe would have fitted perfectly. That time, Junhoe was way shorter than him and all he saw was a little brother, who wore his pride and confidence like a shield. It was something Hanbin encouraged, if it helped Junhoe get through all those tough times when it was uncertain if they would ever perform on stage.

He grew. Taller, stronger and much more handsome than anyone could ever imagine. And unknowingly, Hanbin began to structure his compositions around that powerful, magnetic voice. By virtue of that alone, he began to consider writing his songs with all the vocal lines in mind, but as time progressed, it was Junhoe’s voice that completely filled and flourished the landscape of his creative mind.

He knew how much hurt Junhoe had waded through when all the bad press had surrounded them a few months after their debut, made worse by the damning articles of him doing the club rounds and the fact that he was cursed with that arrogant visage.It was admirable that Junhoe maintained his public facade, but it was equally painful to hear him sniffling to sleep every night.

“You know you don’t have to lie to me.” Junhoe was saying now. He had taken off his cap before he sidled against Hanbin and now Hanbin could inhale the minty scent of his shampoo deeply, aware that this was not going to do him any good. To be this close to him was not doing his heart any favours.

“Lie about what?” Hanbin almost moaned, wanting only to bury his face into the silky thickness of Junhoe’s crowning glory.

“About not coming back to the entertainment industry.” Junhoe stated and although he could not see it, Hanbin could already imagine the knowing smile Junhoe was flashing now.

“I cannot hide anything from you.” Hanbin sighed wistfully, closing his eye and letting wisps of that hair, blown by the gentle breeze, to graze his lips gently. “Ya~get off me, people are going to think we’re weird.” Hanbin whispered in frustration. Junhoe laughed, it was that deep, rumbly laughter culled deep from his chest which he took on when he had been caught making a mistake or doing something embarrassing. Even that, Hanbin realised, he missed. Junhoe placed the cap back on and stood up, stretching his arms. Hanbin took that moment to just bask himself in having Junhoe this close to him after so many weeks. “Have you had your first kiss?” Hanbin asked as he stood up as well, both thankful and regretful that the moment had dissolved so abruptly.

“Eh?” Junhoe twisted his body, to wake his dormant muscles into a more wakeful state, and so that he could glance in Hanbin’s direction. He blushed when he absorbed Hanbin's direct question. He shook his head. “It’s just been a week.” Junhoe muttered, straightening his posture and pretending to look at the water. 

“Well, he’s a good kisser, so you don’t have to worry about anything.” Hanbin added calmly. Junhoe toed the dried leaves that had piled itself along the footpath, lips pursed as if already imagining that fabled first kiss. 

“It’s just…” Junhoe began and then tapered off, eyes wandering far across the river once more. Hanbin took in the ethereal beauty of his profile again, feeling greedy knowing that they were about to part ways.

“What?” Hanbin asked, moving slightly closer to hear better.

“I’ve never kissed anyone before. How do I know if I’m any good at it?” Junhoe asked, looking at him now, eyes wide, lips parted and wet from the cold, looking very innocent and child-like.

Hanbin swallowed the constriction that had suddenly blocked his throat, eyes on those lips, focusing on them way too much. His own lips were quivering at the thought that Junhoe had never kissed anyone before. Yet here he was right before Hanbin, talking about the possibility of it and Hanbin was suddenly overwhelmed by the jealousy which now began to crowd greedily into his heart. It shook him to the core, this feeling of wanting something that he very well knew, could not possibly ever belong to him.

“Shit.” Hanbin exclaimed in a harried whisper and turned his face into the shade of Junhoe’s cap, mouth cupping those succulent lips without warning.


	3. Songs & Smokescreens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Junhoe returns from meeting Hanbin, back into Jiwon's arms while Hanbin returns home entrenched in the belief that his feelings for Junhoe remains as inspiring and as strong as it has always been.

Junhoe returned to a silence broken by the soft snores of Jaeho-_hyung _on the day bed in the living room. He crept down the dim hallway, thankfully well-lighted by the open door to Jiwon’s room. His boyfriend was sitting on his bed, waiting expectantly. 

“Ah-Junhoe, you’re back.” Jiwon muttered, standing up quickly as Junhoe entered. He was shivering and Jiwon gazed at him in concern. “Are you alright? You shouldn’t have been out for too long! It’s cold out.” Jiwon exclaimed in concern, grabbing Junhoe’s icy cold digits and trying to cup them into his warm, toasty hands. The sad smile Junhoe flashed made for a little heartbreak and Jiwon brought him to sit at the edge of his bed.

“I’m fine, Jiwon-_hyung_.” Jiwon was still holding his hands though and Junhoe gazed at him tenderly. “Did Jaeho-_hyung_ look for me?” He asked in trepidation.

“No. I told him you went to sleep early and he believed me.” Jiwon explained, it was hard for him to look into Junhoe’s eyes right now. There was so much softness in his gaze that Jiwon was simply overwhelmed by it. “Did Hanbin say anything about…us?” He asked. Junhoe shook his head, looking away sadly.

“I miss him though.” Junhoe admitted, smiled and then turned his gaze back to Jiwon, who had been quietly admiring him from the side. “_Hyung_, can I ask you something?” The smile had turned shy, he was blushing slightly at the cheeks and this time, as much as Jiwon wanted to look away, he did not want to, either.

“You can ask me anything, Junhoe-ya.” Jiwon grinned, blinking at the sight of that dazzling smile.

“I was wondering if we could…um…” Junhoe scratch the back of his head in that absolutely adorable manner Jiwon loved.

“Tell me.” Jiwon urged, folding his hands tightly over Junhoe’s still as if unwilling to release him.

“You think we could have our first kiss?” Junhoe asked quite suddenly. His cheeks were quite red from mustering up the courage for this sudden request.

“Ah…first kiss?!” Jiwon exclaimed, eyes turning into fissures of pleasure to match the curve of his happy grin. “Sure, sure…when we have our next date let’s…”

“_Hyung_, no. I meant I want that kiss. _Now_.” Junhoe interjected urgently, turning towards Jiwon, fingers fiddling Jiwon’s nervously.

“What?!” Jiwon blushed now, shy by this sudden, unexpected candour from Junhoe. They were barely official and yet here he was clamouring for the first kiss. “Now…I mean, kiss…Imean…”

“Ah-_hyung_, I’m serious.” Junhoe griped and there was something so adorable about the way he said it, that Jiwon swooped in to fulfil his demand.

Junhoe was taken aback by this sudden onslaught. He had not expected it and it was not exactly unpleasant.

When Hanbin kissed him half an hour ago, Junhoe’s mind had gone completely blank. There was a momentary awareness that someone else’s lips was touching his and then it was gone. Hanbin’s lips were cold, but soft. Junhoe blinked, assailed by the prolific silhouette of that pronounced forehead and the majestic nose, feeling strangely comforted by this sudden closeness. He chalked it down to missing Hanbin. Still, it was kind of…nice. Until Hanbin decidedly pressed his lips further. Junhoe could feel himself falling back and then one of Hanbin’s hand was there holding him firmly at the back, lips barely loose from the touch he and Junhoe was caught in.

“I’m sorry.” Hanbin had breathed when he finally released Junhoe. Only the sound of the waves could be heard.

“It’s good practice for me, right?” Junhoe dismissed it, already feeling the cold engulfing him, despite the tiny flutter in his heart.

_Now this._

Jiwon’s kiss. Soft, warm and Junhoe could hear the roaring of his heart as Jiwon cupped the back of his head and brought him closer, deeper.

“Was that…” Jiwon asked breathlessly, gazing at Junhoe, looking satisfied. Junhoe nodded.

“It was good…” Junhoe rasped, resting his forehead against Jiwon’s. It was actually more than good. It was great, but Junhoe was not certain if he had a right to be this happy when Hanbin was not with them, as he should be. It had been unnerving to tell Hanbin he was now in a relationship with a former paramour. Hanbin is his leader, after all, but the fact that Hanbin knew and had assured him had been such a relief. Junhoe thought he could sleep better knowing that Hanbin approved of his relationship with Jiwon. After awhile, as they both recovered from their first kiss, Junhoe and Jiwon sat side by side on the bed, backs against the wall.

“Is Hanbin really okay?” Jiwon asked the most important question of all, still holding Junhoe’s hand in his. Junhoe shook his head, feeling that desperation return. The one that had descended on him since Hanbin was taken away from them so forcefully.

“He lost a lot of weight.” Junhoe recalled with a tinge of sadness in his voice. “_Hyung_, will he come back, right? I want him to come back…”Junhoe’s voice faltered and he started crying, falling into Jiwon’s lap, sobbing wretchedly. Jiwon gently stroked his head, trying to will away the tears that came so easily since June twelfth.

~~~~~

Hanbin returned home the way he left, quietly. He could see the light in his mother’s room was still on, but moments after he came in she turned it off. He trudged into his room. There was a handwritten note on his table. It was from his sister. The sentiments were the same since he returned home on that rainy June night with Jinhwan and Yunhyeong. Full of love, heartfelt, spirited words of cheer and a lot of stickers with drawings of multiple hearts. He pinned the note on the cork board that had been installed above his desk to join all the notes she had been writing to him since she became old enough to wield a pen. 

Hanbin smiled. Anyone who knew him would immediately recognise how incomplete that smile is.

There were papers on his table as well, other than Hanbyul’s little notes. They were printouts of Junhoe’s poems that he had sent to Hanbin via the phone over the years. Hanbin had them printed and bound for his own personal collection.

“It’s okay, you can always take up a new hobby.” Hanbin reiterated as they lounged at the living room watching TV. Junhoe had moped in his room for almost two weeks after articles of him frequenting clubs had surfaced. Jinhwan had finally managed to draw him out.

“Ya-you can be a eunuch!” Donghyuk suggested to everyone’s resounding laughter. Even Junhoe managed a faint smile as Hanbin sidled over to lay his head on Junhoe’s lap.

“Write.” Hanbin said quietly as they all settled to watch the show.

“Hmm?” Junhoe muttered, running his fingers through Hanbin’s hair more out of habit than anything else.

“You can write. You’ve written songs before. You are capable.” Hanbin invoked. From where he was lying, the distinctive jawline, the majestic nose and the curl of his full lips; his beauty might be appreciated by fans or even people who might have seen him for the first time, but to Hanbin, Junhoe’s bare, youthful face with its acne scars and sparse facial hair appealed to him the most.

_Since when?_ Maybe for a long time now, but it was not something he felt compelled to talk about with anyone.

“I can’t write. I’m not as good as you.” Junhoe laughed nervously, his eyes disappearing into those fissures that reminded Hanbin of the crescent moon.

“What are you saying? You wrote so much when we were trainees too!” Hanbin retorted, hand coming up trying to swipe at that headful of black hair as Junhoe giggled and swerved his head to avoid it. “I’m serious, Junhoe-ya. If you are going to find something to do, write. You’ll get better as time goes by.” Hanbin was starting to whine.

“_Arrasseo_,_ arrasseo_, you sound like an _ahjumma. _I’ll write but you better give me feedback, you are the genius composer, after all.” Junhoe laughed and Hanbin thought it was the most beautiful sound even if he always complained about it.

Hanbin laid back onto his bed, fingers touching his lips, recalling the kiss he had stolen from Junhoe. What had spurred him to do so? A mixture of loneliness and the fact that he might never have the opportunity to be with the one who has been in his heart for the longest time. His phone buzzed and he was not surprised to see it was from Jinhwan.

_‘Oediga? Why didn’t you come and meet us as well?’_

A faint smile on his lips.

_‘Junhoe wanted to meet me.’_

‘_So you would go all the way in the cold to meet him than to actually come down here to meet everyone?’_

That shadow of a smile appeared on his lips once more. Jinhwan had always been protective over everyone. He should also know that Hanbin was not ever allowed to show his face at the dorm again. He typed his reply.

_‘Jinan-ah, are you jealous?’_

_‘I’ve been jealous since you were with Bob. But now, even he took my Junhoe away’_

_‘I’m going to sleep, hyung.’_

_‘See you next week’_

Yunhyeong had planned the dinner. They all missed him and while he missed them with equal fervour, he was not sure if he was ready to see them. He still felt this overwhelming sense of guilt and shame whenever his thoughts turned to them. He was not even sure if he would still make music. The soundboard had been his mother’s idea as was the home studio. In reality, he just wanted to curl up into a ball and not be in this world anymore. Meeting Junhoe, as unplanned as it was, had been the first time he has had any contact with anyone in the group since he left so unexpectedly and even then, Jiwon had pre-empted him that it would just be to address Junhoe’s concerns about his past relationship with Hanbin and nothing else.

Hanbin had not expected for his feelings to jump out with excitement at the sight of Junhoe walking towards him. It made him realised just how much of his adult life had been spent chasing after his dreams and little else. Perhaps he should pursue love while his feelings were still strong, but now that Junhoe is with Jiwon, that sort of threw a spanner in the works. Hanbin sighed, lying on the bed and wondering where all his thoughts would lead him. He missed being back at the dorms, staying up late at the studios, making music. Most of all, he missed being around them. It was uncanny that out of all of them, Junhoe rarely came looking for him, but he was almost always texting Hanbin his written words at least two or three times a day, asking him for a read through and an opinion.

After twelfth June though, he was texting Hanbin almost every other day and not just plying him with poetry and prose, but also asking if he had his meals and if he were sleeping well. It was so unlike Junhoe, but Hanbin could already guess that it had everything to do with his relationship with Jiwon. He could sense Junhoe’s panic perhaps, at finding out that he was now with someone Hanbin had loved, probably wondering if Hanbin had cherished Jiwon.

Truth was, while Jiwon might have been Hanbin’s first love, Hanbin was convinced that Junhoe is his one true love. Hanbin had suspected it all along, but the truth only hit him on twelfth June when his world came crashing down on him. As he left with whatever belongings he had on him, Hanbin realised that losing his privilege of being a part of the group will also keep him away from the very person he had only admired and loved from afar, his feelings hidden under layers of harsh banters and awkward laughters. Plus, Junhoe had way too much respect for him to possibly see him as a love interest. He sighed. He had been too caught up in the storm of confusion which had begun with his sudden termination, he did not even have time to think about matters of the heart.

Songs and smokescreens. Hanbin thought about the songs he had written over the years. He wondered if Junhoe even knew he was the muse to more than half. As for smokescreens, Hanbin had used them all the time to hide his songwriting process. The truth was a little bit too close for comfort. Like him, Junhoe had been a perfectionist. Everything had to be filtered through and done. With Hanbin, that process gets done twice. It was something he never really confessed to anyone, but Junhoe’s opinion on his works mattered. After all, he was the reason behind some of them. Gradually, just with the way he wrote, he realised the importance of getting feedback from the rest of the members.

“It’s so fucking hard.” Junhoe whined. “Did you really have to make it such a hip hop song?” Junhoe had declared loudly and Hanbin could already see the uncertainty in Chanwoo's face and the reluctance in Yunhyeong's eyes. Hanbin had smirked and flicked Junhoe on the forehead in response and they all had broke out into collective laughter. That was when Hanbin had just finished playing the demo for Bling Bling and had asked for feedback. Junhoe had the most complaints for the choreography as well, but he did it all the same. He kept saying hip hop was not his style, as if he had not cut his teeth slaying all those Michael Jackson dance moves on various talent shows. As if he did not appear on that talent show as a rapper.

Both of them had chased after stardom like it was a new planet yet to be discovered over which they would lord over someday. People were always saying that the road to stardom must be lonely, but not for Hanbin. All he needed was to turn his head and he would find Junhoe, smiling. Junhoe, without even being asked, would walk, run and go through the bitter end with him. He would have been full of complaints, of course, but he would have followed just the same. It mattered the most when they were together. Hanbin could go through hell if it meant Junhoe was beside him. What was lonely was being deprived of all that and having to take the journey alone. Kindred spirits were meant to be together, otherwise, what was the point of the journey to begin with.

And now, even that is gone.

Hanbin had not even realised he was crying until he felt the tears trill over his cheekbones. They were stone cold. Ever since June twelfth, he felt as if he had been holding the chill of winter in his body. Everything had been frozen solid. His heart, his mind and his reality. He could still write, but it was worst than a sense of emptiness; there was only bitter, solid ice in his words and his thoughts. Hanbin had somehow entombed himself into a winter spiel, mostly because he had been deprived of Junhoe, his summer. Just the thought of him brought some semblance of warmth to Hanbin’s body. In his despair, Hanbin found a desire so great, even his broken heart could not deny its wholesome existence. His love for Junhoe had become the only remaining sanctuary of hope for him and lately, on most nights, just the thought of him had been more than enough to keep him going through the day. 


	4. New Directions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hanbin reunites with the group and there was no denying the change in the foundation they had once set among themselves. Jiwon feels the first stirrings of jealousy, wondering if Hanbin's effusive attention to Junhoe held any meaning.

They closed the restaurant for the night. Yunhyeong’s family prepared a feast for them. Hanbin had settled himself between Jinhwan and Junhoe. Jiwon sat across from them, watching quietly, flanked by Chanwoo and Yunhyeong. Donghyuk sat at the head of the table, laughing wildly at everything Hanbin had to say.

It was just like old times’, but it was not either. It might have been unnoticeable to them, but to Hanbin, Yunhyeong seem to have more rapport with Jinhwan now. They were doing a lot of toast together. Chanwoo spoke mostly to Donghyuk, but he was mindful of Hanbin as well, pouring him soju when his cup emptied and putting meat on his plate. Jiwon was silently watching Junhoe and Hanbin found himself almost jealous by what he perceived as possessiveness on Jiwon's part. 

As for Jiwon, he was not sure about the others, but he sensed a displacement of sorts. Whether it was because it had been awhile since any of them saw Hanbin or the knowledge that ‘having him back’ tonight was sort of temporary. That hurt the most. That and maybe the effusive way he was directing most of his conversation in Junhoe’s direction. It might be subtle to everyone else, but to Jiwon, who considers himself the closest to Junhoe in terms of standing currently, it was quite obvious in the slight turn of his shoulders and the way his head was craned in Junhoe’s direction. Jiwon was even willing to bet that Hanbin’s right arm, which was hidden from where Jiwon was sitting, was either rubbing Junhoe’s back or cupping his waist.

Jealousy was not a monster Jiwon was prepared to deal with. Not this early in his relationship, anyway. Plus, it was Hanbin, his best friend and one-time lover. Their trust for each other was unbreakable and unshakeable. He remained silent, smiling and laughing, trying not to let it bother him too much and sipping on the soju when he felt way too bothered. As the night wore on, he seem to need the soju more and more though. Whether it was his own gut feeling or just him being the typical jealous boyfriend, every single time Junhoe laughed at something Hanbin said, his heart felt an ache that was unexplainable and mildly frustrating.

“Hyung…you alright? You’re turning red.” Chanwoo remarked. Hanbin was making Junhoe a wrap now. Loads of beef, kimchi and garlic. Just the way Junhoe liked.

“I’m fine.” Jiwon dismissed, draining another shot of the soju, eyes still fixed on Junhoe. He was dressed simply in a black shirt and his track pants, but he glowed in happiness. Understandable, considering that the leader was back in their midst today, but why was his heart aching even more because of this, when he should be feeling the same. “I need to pee.” He quipped suddenly, because his eyes had begun tearing and this was bad. Chanwoo blinked his eyes in puzzlement, watching him go.

Junhoe glanced over, saw Jiwon walking off, realised that he had barely spoke to his boyfriend since the dinner, and felt bad. He excused himself, following Jiwon in his wake. Hanbin gazed after him, biting his lips in disappointment.

“He told you that night he met you, didn’t he? Was that why it was so important for him to meet you?” Jinhwan commented, following Hanbin’s gaze. Hanbin managed to grimace a smile, looking at Jinhwan. Jinhwan laughed softly. “That’s very typical of Junhoe, don’t you think? He was more concerned by what you thought of it more than anyone else, especially after finding out you and Jiwon used to be a couple.” Hanbin grinned uncomfortably, unable to find the words to reply to Jinhwan.

“Jiwon-_hyung_?” Junhoe called him just as he was about to step out of the back door of the restaurant to calm himself. He looked back, surprised to see Junhoe there, tailing behind him. “Where are you going?” Junhoe asked. Jiwon smiled, thinking how he could possibly feel jealous when all Junhoe ever does was look for him especially after they both decided to confess their feelings to each other.

“Just getting myself a breath of fresh air, dear.” Jiwon assured him with a winning smile, holding out his hand. Junhoe walked closer and took his hand. It was cold outside. Jiwon was the only one with the jacket. He took it off and slung it over Junhoe’s shoulder. “Come here, Junhoe, let me put my hands in the pockets. We should be able to keep ourselves warm in no time.” He urged and Junhoe huddled closer to Jiwon.

“Ah-_hyung_, just hug me under the jacket, it’d be much better that way.” Junhoe contended and just that declaration was enough for all that jealousy to dissipate immediately. “I’m sorry if I didn’t talk to you much tonight. I’m just so happy to see Hanbin-_hyung_.” He admitted, nestling his head against the crook of Jiwon’s neck. “_Hyung_, you’re so warm.” Jiwon chuckled in sheer happiness, planting a kiss on the cheek nearest to his lips.

“I’m happy to see him too, Junhoe-ya.” Jiwon stated, hugging Junhoe tighter against him. “I was wondering, if you’d like to sleep with me tonight?” Jiwon suggested. Junhoe greeted the question with silence. They had been together all of three weeks, everyone knew that they were, with the exception of maybe Yunhyeong, Chanwoo and the managers. They have not been out on a first date, at all.

Just perhaps, a meal together in the dorm and hanging out at each other’s room sometimes, but mostly in the living room together with the rest of the members. Yunhyeong and Chanwoo spent more time downstairs whenever they returned to the dorm. Last week, they all had dinner together and Junhoe had purposely sat beside Jiwon. They had spent the whole of that gathering, holding hands tightly under the table. Other than that first kiss two weeks ago, they usually ended each hangout session with a quick peck on the lips and very little else, except for a goodnight greeting.

“Tonight?” Junhoe asked, realising his heart was pounding so loud, it was almost resonating in his ears. 

“I…I mean, I won’t touch you. Just, you know, sleep together, sharing a bed. That’s all.” Jiwon explained, realising that they were both blushing now, trying to gaze into each other’s eyes. “I don’t mean anything by it. We did promise to give each other time for all those other things.” He added. Well, they did not really have an actual discussion about where they saw the relationship heading ultimately. From the beginning, it was always just following the natural progression. The fact that they kissed within a week after they became official was already a pleasant surprise for Jiwon.

“Ah-_hyung_. We could try that if you wanted to.” Junhoe’s words were muffled, because he had buried his face into Jiwon’s neck again, this time out of embarrassment, but Jiwon heard him loud and clear. His heart soared and the thought turned him on so much that Jiwon hugged him even tighter and closer, so that Junhoe could clearly feel the bump ridging along his groin. “_Hyung_, stop.” Junhoe whispered fiercely in horror and then began laughing thickly with desire.

“Give me a kiss and then let’s get the hell out of this cold.” Jiwon quickly requested. Junhoe brought his head up and Jiwon laid his lips heavily against those supple lips already red from the cold. Jiwon folded his tongue into the lush wetness of Junhoe’s mouth possessively, wanting nothing more than to brand him, his hand cupping the back of Junhoe’s skull and pushing himself deeper lest Junhoe forget who he is. Junhoe moaned softly, his hands clutching the front of Jiwon’s shirt tightly.

The back door of the restaurant suddenly flew open startling both Jiwon and Junhoe, they broke apart immediately as Donghyuk craned his neck out, a cheeky smile plastered on his face.

“There you are, lovebirds!” He announced, face flushed red and obviously on the right path to inebriation. “Come on, we are making a last toast and then Hanbin-_hyung_ has to get going.” He added and they trudged back into the warmth of the restaurant. Junhoe unsheathed the jacket, returning it to Jiwon, who shook his head and flashed a smile, caressing Junhoe on one side of his cheek tenderly as they walked back in towards the dining area.

Hanbin’s eyes smarted at the sight of this affectionate display. As much as he would like to convince himself that they have not gotten any closer after three weeks, the way they were gazing at each other told him they were even more closer than he had expected them to be. They made their toasts, drank the last of the soju, already sullen at the thought that Hanbin was not coming home with them. They bowed and professed their thanks and goodbyes' to Yunhyeong’s family.

“Why are you leaving so soon, man?” Jiwon asked in disbelief, walking towards Hanbin and holding out his arms. Hanbin walked into that embrace only to realise that Junhoe’s scent was all over Jiwon. It was that same minty scent of his shampoo he had discerned from when they met at the river that cold night before Hanbin had kissed him so suddenly.

“I have a curfew.” Hanbin intoned, steeling himself from the anger and jealousy that suddenly began to flare up out of nowhere, in his heart. He never had these feelings before, even when he had been with Jiwon back then. This was frustrating and completely unreasonable. He hugged Donghyuk, Chanwoo and then Yunhyeong before Jinhwan held his hand and walked with him to the entrance.

A restless wind was sifting through the streets and now the cold began filling into the restaurant. He turned to look at Junhoe, who still seem flushed, probably from being all that warm and close to Jiwon, with every intention to make Jiwon jealous, “Next week, right? Don’t forget to come get it from me.” Jinhwan turned to look at Junhoe as did Jiwon. Hanbin had now walked all the way back to Junhoe, arms going around those wide shoulders tightly.

“I won’t. I’ll come down to get it, I promise.” Junhoe replied, smiling even wider and Hanbin released him, almost reluctantly, wishing he could taste those lips once again as Jiwon probably had, not more than a minute ago when they disappeared off somewhere. Junhoe waved for Hanbin to go, standing beside Jiwon, whose baffled gaze had not left his boyfriend, since he heard the exchange between him and Hanbin. Hanbin left, still escorted by the other three while Jinhwan, Junhoe and Jiwon stayed behind at the entrance.

“Ya~what was all that about?” Jinhwan thankfully asked and for once, Jiwon was grateful for the interference, because from him, the question would have come off completely sounding wrong. Junhoe’s fingers found the centre of Jiwon’s palm and he forgot all about being jealous.

“He said he had something to pass to me before we go to Japan next week.” Junhoe stated.

“You’re sneaking out to meet him in the middle of the night? Again?” Jinhwan muttered in disbelief. Junhoe barked a laugh.

“Ah-Jinani. You sound like a jealous lover. Nope. I’m meeting him during the day. I’ll be at home that day anyway. Do you want to tag along?” Junhoe teased. His fingers tracing warm concentric circles around Jiwon’s palm now. Jiwon bit his lips, trying to get his desires under control, but failing badly.

“May I remind you that your boyfriend is right beside you?” Jinhwan scrunched his pretty face up in disgust and Junhoe turned to Jiwon, who looked absolutely solemn, only because his mind was now focused on something else.

“Exactly.” Junhoe retorted. “Do you think I am that bad to flirt with someone else right under his nose? And this is Hanbin we are talking about!” Junhoe stated jokingly. There was the distinct horn of the car already waiting to take them back to the dorms. Junhoe released Jiwon’s hand and then walked beside Jinhwan, as Jiwon tailed behind them, his face filled with conflict over Junhoe’s last statement.

~~~~~

Hanbin had returned home earlier than expected, so he sat at the living room for awhile, playing a board game with Hanbyul as his mother asked tentative questions about how the dinner went. He gave distracted answers and that seem to convince her that he was fine. He let Hanbyul win a few more rounds before he stretched and yawned loudly, feigning exhaustion. He retired to his bedroom, settling onto his bed comfortably after a quick warm shower and a change. His phone beeped and he grabbed it excitedly, a glance and his fallen face was an indication it was not from the someone he had expected. It was the members’ group chat and Yunhyeong was complaining that Junhoe was going into Jiwon’s room.

_‘Yeah, they are hanging out a lot lately’_ Chanwoo chimed in.

_‘Jealous, much? Also why are you at our dorm? Go back to yours’_ Junhoe retorted.

_‘Wait, are you both…_’ Yunhyeong guessed.

‘_I thought you both knew_’ Donghyuk stated.

‘_I knew. Hanbinah, you’re online. Say something LOL!_’ Jiwon added in jest.

‘_Don’t let me know_’ Chanwoo responded attaching an audio message of him singing the refrain.

Jinhwan sent the LOL emoji in respond.

‘_Hanbin, you knew?_’ Yunhyeong was asking now.

‘I did. Junhoe told me.’ Hanbin answered.

‘_Ya~are you guys doing it for the first time tonight?_’ Jinhwan boldly asked.

‘_Ewww. TMI_.’ Chanwoo quickly replied.

‘_Go to sleep, losers! Junhoe smells so good!_’ Jiwon teased.

‘_Jiwon-hyung_!’ Junhoe replied.

‘_Someone come kill me now._’ Chanwoo replied right after.

‘_Me too. Kill me, too_.’ Yunhyeong had typed.

“Me, three.” Hanbin whispered to himself, locking his phone and slamming it slightly onto the bedside table. The happiness glowing from Junhoe tonight had been hard to dismiss. Hanbin had never seen him this happy even in all the years since after their debut. Had he expected them to be devastated even after all these months? Hanbin thought.

They all seemed happy or were the cheery personas hiding something else? They had all hugged him, each longer than the one before. They had talked, but no one mentioned plans for the future or spoke of anything else, other than sharing family matters. Donghyuk going on and on about his cute niece, wanting to show him photos. Jiwon too, speaking about his nephew’s first trip to Korea. Yunhyeong was sharing about the vacation he was going to take to Bali with Jinhwan. Hanbin had just smiled and nodded, very much aware that they had once planned to go for that trip together. Chanwoo was his usual quiet self and when they got around to conversing, Hanbin only asked how his Youtube channel was doing. His phone buzzed.

‘Are you asleep, already?’ Hanbin risked a glance, not daring to hope anymore. It was Jinhwan.

He placed his phone back at the bedside table, not really feeling up to answering Jinhwan right now. He sighed, really not feeling up to answering to anything or to anyone, actually.

Now, even when he was supposedly to be at rest, his mind was on Junhoe. The way he smiled when Hanbin had arrived at the restaurant, the way his eyes sparkled watching Hanbin hugged everyone, the way he laughed dismissively when Hanbin commented he had put on weight and mostly, how warm his arms were when Hanbin pulled him in for a hug. He needed a distraction, but he simply could not get his mind off the fact that Junhoe was in Jiwon’s room at that very moment.

Would it have bothered him if he had been there? If he had not been kicked out so unceremoniously out of the group? Would he have had the courage to stop their love story from unfolding? Hanbin sighed, turning to his side, realising once more that without them, without his group, without all of them, without the hope of being around the one whose heart he treasured the most, he felt as if he amounted to nothing.

His phone buzzed again. Hanbin did not turn to even glance at it this time, his head already envisioning Junhoe in Jiwon’s arms, probably locked in a kiss. Perhaps even more than that. Probably on Jiwon’s bed, under covers, warm and safe in their love for each other. His heart burned at the thought and this bitterness, was causing so much ache that he had to shut his eyes tight against it, trying to rid his mind of the vision only to find himself tearing. He buried his face into the pillow, refusing to allow himself to cry, but the damage was done. His body began shaking with the unstoppable flood of tears. He had written so many heartbreak songs. Songs which spoke of an end and the hope for a new beginning.

Yet, now feeling the pangs for real, was an entirely separate thing altogether. There was only this bleakness; dark, unknown and full of spiteful things. He curled up into a ball, trying to stop himself from feeling anything only to burst out crying even more. An hour passed, his pillow completely damp and he sniffled, clearing his nose as his cries tapered off. He could already feel the swells forming under his eyes. They would be puffy and red tomorrow, and his mother would probably question him about it.

Maybe he should not wait that long to stake his claim on Junhoe. Hanbin had made plans to meet up with Junhoe next week on the pretext of wanting to pass a few things to him. Maybe if he pushed that earlier, he would have a higher chance of…what are you doing? His mind interjected. This is your best friend’s boyfriend. Are you even listening to yourself, right now? Do you know how scheming you sound? Hanbin quelled this inner voice with a ruthlessness he did not even know he was capable of. It was definitely not needed, not when he was intent on having Junhoe to himself. This time, not even that small voice dared to speak up. Hanbin was done playing nice.

~~~~~

The covers rustled with activity. Beneath it, Jiwon was plying his lips against Junhoe’s; warm, wet and wonderful. They were deep in the throes of their second kiss and there was no holding back this time. Jiwon loved the feel of having Junhoe this near him, shirtless and in nothing, but his shorts. Jiwon himself had stripped down to his briefs and this skin to skin contact was absolutely driving him insane. Junhoe’s hand had disappeared somewhere between his own legs and Jiwon realised with unexpected, heightened pleasure that he was actually stroking himself.

“How does that feel?” Jiwon asked, looking down into the darkness of the covers. Junhoe grunted a response. “Let me do that for you, uh?” Jiwon requested. Junhoe’s eyes, like two flashing pinpoints of shimmering lights gazed up at him, unsure and probably, reluctant.

“I…I’m not…sure if you should do that.” Junhoe whispered, voice tremulous, his breath warm on Jiwon’s face, swollen lips quivering with the desire he was holding back.

“Why not?” Jiwon asked, drinking in that face with wondrous appreciation, knowing for a fact that he had only admired Junhoe’s beauty only from afar.

“Have you ever touched someone else’s…uhm…” Junhoe’s uncertainty was endearing to witness.

“A few times, but it would be my first time touching you. I would not mind touching yours, if you are fine with it.” Jiwon whispered in assurance, panting because his own loins was twitching and aching from all the kisses, caresses they had been indulging in for the last half an hour since their return from the restaurant.

“Do I have to touch yours?” Junhoe asked. It was a perfectly innocent question, but it almost caused Jiwon’s heart to swell. Just the idea of Junhoe touching him so intimately was…something he had never considered could ever happen. Not in this lifetime, at least.

“Only if you want to. if you are not comfortable with anything we are doing at any point of time, we can stop.” Jiwon reminded him of their promise to each other once more. Junhoe seem to ponder over this and in that duration, Jiwon realised that he was even deeper in love with him than he had been hours ago when they arrived at the restaurant to meet Hanbin. After awhile, Junhoe flashed his incandescent smile, the one made from gums, teeth and dreams.

“I’ll let you touch mine.” Junhoe’s eyes were round and sparkly as they found Jiwon’s own happy gaze. “Only if you let me touch yours.” He decided.

They stared at each other for a moment before spontaneously bursting into combined laughter at how childish that whole statement had sounded. Jiwon hugged Junhoe as he rested his head against Jiwon’s chest, both their bodies shaking in mirth, allowing the laughing fit to pass by. “Why are we so weird?” Junhoe finally intoned when silence prevailed once more. Jiwon cupped Junhoe’s cheeks between his hands.

“You are not weird. You are adorable.” Jiwon declared, plying kisses on those pouted, swollen lips once more. It was getting to be addictive, kissing him. Jiwon could not imagine doing anything better than just sucking face with Junhoe whenever they have free time now.

“You are not weird either.” Junhoe whispered breathlessly when Jiwon released him, sidling even closer. He could feel the ridge of Jiwon’s desire poking against his thigh. He slid his hand downwards. Jiwon held his breath when Junhoe’s fingers made contact with the substantial bump between his legs. “You are so big.” Junhoe commented in amazement, fingers running against the pliant and pulsating length tentatively.

“I’m going to touch you now.” Jiwon moaned softly to prepare Junhoe for his inevitable touch. He nestled his cheek against Junhoe’s as his own hand glided downwards in the space between their bodies, folding over Junhoe’s throbbing arousal with calculated steadiness from beneath his shorts.

“Jiwon-_hyung_…” Junhoe moaned, the dulcet quality in his normally deep voice fused with the sweetness of desire akin to honey. 

“You are so warm and sweet.” Jiwon declared truthfully, voice trembling with escalating desire. Junhoe had become a live wire against him, ululating and undulating, completely overridden by base desires as Jiwon began sliding his hand up and down. “Yes, that’s it, move with it.” Jiwon urged Junhoe, as his moans got deeper and louder. Junhoe seem to fall into a rhythm as he began moving his hand to attend to Jiwon as well.

Jiwon revelled in the act of giving and receiving this pleasure. This was a new, shared sensation so precious between them. There was something profound and poetic in their union. It was unspoken, both in its intrinsic and instinctive quality. All they had to simply do was succumbed to it. That seem enough for them right now. Junhoe bit into the covers, muffling his shouts as his desire reached its peak and Jiwon pushed against Junhoe's hand for his own release. Jiwon kissed Junhoe in the humid silence which descended in the aftermath of their shared expulsion, their heaving breaths suspending them in a state of calm and quiet content.

“We made a mess.” Junhoe finally exhaled, biting his lips, his beauty in the semi-darkness had a quality that was ethereal to it. 

“That we did, but it’s okay. We can always clean up.” Jiwon assured him once more. Junhoe nodded, closing his eyes, loving the peace and quiet of them just lying here, together.


	5. Same, But No Different

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jiwon and Junhoe deepens the intensity of their relationship, even as Hanbin struggles between wanting Junhoe and leaving things as platonic as they were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning : Some paragraphs contains graphic sexual scenes.

All it took was for Hanbin to text Junhoe, saying he needed to push up their meeting to an earlier date, which was as soon as tomorrow.

Hanbin, of course, had not known that Jiwon saw the message come in before Junhoe did. Junhoe had left his phone lying on the bed where Jiwon was sprawled, half asleep after Junhoe excused himself to shower. He only saw the words ‘Do you think…’ before it was cut off into the banner alert and Jiwon turned his head to the other side, refusing to even speculate what Hanbin might want from his boyfriend.

That whiff of jealousy returned though, as much as Jiwon wished it would not. It permeated him like some overbearing scent and he groaned softly, hating and wishing for it to go away. Junhoe walked in awhile later and Jiwon informed him that there had been the chime of a message. The older man then dragged himself off and out of the bed, because he needed to pee, not wanting to really be there for this. 

When Jiwon came back, Junhoe was sitting at the edge of the bed, the back of his heels resting on the bed frame, so that his knees were folded to his chest. He was gazing at the screen of his phone, looking as if he was pondering over something really important. He had, as a matter of fact, answered Hanbin’s message. It had to be tomorrow anyway because they had their back to back schedule in Japan until end of the year the week after.

“What’s up, sweetheart?” Jiwon asked, settling beside him before lying back down, staring at that muscular back, admiring the ridge of his shoulders and that alluring mole just beneath where the wing of his left shoulder was. Jiwon made a mental note to give it a celebratory lick when Junhoe finally acceded to allowing him access to that succulent ass. For now, Jiwon was fine biding time.

“It’s Hanbin, he wants to push up meeting me tomorrow.” Junhoe admitted, turning and resting flat on his back, right upon the arm Jiwon had laid on his pillow, for that very purpose. Jiwon had turned so he had a good view of that profile, admiring the way his fringe was thrown back from that forehead, the curve along the bridge of his nose and those lips still pouted in ponderous thought.

“Do we have a schedule tomorrow?” Jiwon asked, realising that his heart was predictably thumping being this close to Junhoe even though they have been nothing but intimate since the past few days. Junhoe shook his head.

“It sounded urgent though.” Junhoe ruminated.

“You can always tell them you are going home, sweetheart.” Jiwon assured him supportively, fingers riffling through Junhoe’s newly washed platinum blond hairdo. He looked so good in it and while everyone snickered at the disappearance of his brows, this close, it only made his fine features clearer and sharper.

“_Hyung_, do you really think Hanbin is okay? He always sounded so morose lately in his messages.” Junhoe shared, turning slightly, gazing up Jiwon’s sharpened features trying not to stare, but knowing it was impossible not to. His fingers absently traced that jawline, caressing gently in admiration.

“Does he message you everyday?” Jiwon asked, trying to sound casual, although his voice had thickened somewhat with the touches Junhoe was administering on his face.

“Since the dinner? Almost every day, yes. I mean, I still sent him my poems, but he used to take his time to answer because I know he’s going through them properly but now, he even tells me when he was going to poop.” Junhoe had a faraway look on his face, almost as if his gaze had went beyond the ceiling now and disappeared into the stratosphere. Jiwon took all this information in. Hanbin being the private person that he was would probably try to explain this away as something of no consequence. After all, this was Junhoe, who equates pooping to effort with not an ounce of embarrassment except, Junhoe is now his boyfriend and Hanbin obviously knows that.

“Maybe you’re the only friend he has to talk to.” Jiwon began raining soft, slow kisses against that upturned jaw. This was a lie, of course. Hanbin could have talked to any of them. No, he had his reasons why Junhoe was the only one he talked to now, but Jiwon was not sure if he wanted to go there. Not now, when Junhoe was here and his fingers were tugging the collar of Jiwon’s shirt, tracing the thorns etched along his shoulders lazily.

“How do you do that?” Junhoe asked, his voice going whispery.

“Hmmm…” Jiwon pondered, as his lips found the crook of Junhoe’s neck, smooth like alabaster and all ready for his lip’s worship.

“Remain friends with him after your relationship ended? Wasn’t there any bad feelings, at all?” Junhoe asked and Jiwon stopped, gazing back up even as he adjusted his body, so that he could nestle his erection against the supple part of Junhoe’s hips. The boy inhaled sharply, his clouded gaze passed gently over Jiwon’s face, that jaw gritting tightly and filled with an intent he found absolutely encouraging.

“It was mutual. There was no longer anything there, but just the friendship. Plus we were still in the same group, it would not have been conducive to the team if we had parted on bad terms.” Junhoe had shifted the moment he felt Jiwon’s bump grazed him. His long legs slithered against Jiwon’s own, urging and insisting so that Jiwon had no choice, but to climb on top of him as his mouth found Junhoe’s parted lips so naturally. They both moaned, melding into each other so deliciously that words were no longer needed anymore. Jiwon released him long enough to unsheathed his own shirt and then he was back again, plying those welcoming lips with a barrage of tongue and teeth, stealing breath ruthlessly because Junhoe had stolen his heart, after all, and there seem to be no returning it, not immediately.

Junhoe’s hands charted carefully along his sternum, those tapered fingers finding Jiwon’s weakness as they played with the nubs of his nipples. Jiwon groaned deeply, grinding himself against Junhoe, liking the way their arousals clashed and then adhered to each other. Junhoe arched upwards and Jiwon smiled in satisfaction at the blush he saw creeping into those cheeks as he trailed kisses down that jawline, the neck, the clavicles, all the way down, to the valley of that chest. His tongue worked into that belly button eliciting a rumbled laughter from the younger man, whose fingers were now deeply raking his tousled curls, in anticipation for more. Jiwon ran the tip of his nose against the delineated ridge which had formed between the legs of Junhoe’s favourite track pants.

“_Hyung…_” He husked sharply at this sudden and utterly intimate touch. They had been giving each other hand jobs the past few days. Jiwon was not in the habit of complaining, having Junhoe’s long, spindly fingers wrapped around his length was absolute nirvana, but he wanted more. He wanted to taste Junhoe, wanted to know how Junhoe would look when he took him in his mouth and just the thought of it was already making him impatient.

“Sorry. I…please, can I just taste you? I promise, I won’t ever hurt you.”Jiwon pleaded. He never had to plead before. He had two lovers before Junhoe, the first one was experienced, the one who taught him everything he needed to know, how to receive and give. The second had been Hanbin, the one whom he had experimented on, plied upon and who had always been a willing pupil. Junhoe was the exception. With Junhoe, it felt as if he was starting over, back at square one, learning to be patient because one wrong move would be enough reason for the younger one to withdraw into that rigidity so apparent on his face whenever Jiwon attempted something new.

“_Hyung…_” Junhoe seemed to have frozen over with uncertainty. There was so much resistance on that face; the glaze of his dark eyes, the foreboding stem of his nose and the tight, grim line of his lips. Jiwon remained where he was, one hand still holding on to the waistband of those pants, gazing up painfully. Something in Junhoe’s eyes softened at the sight of Jiwon, face hovering mid-air between his thighs, eyes filled with barely held back anticipation, unable to hide his eagerness at the thought of what was about to happen. “Be gentle.” He exhaled, biting back his lower lip and Jiwon almost sighed aloud with relief as he continued with what he had intended.

Junhoe, now propped on his elbows watched as Jiwon slowly peel off his pants, blushed slightly at the sight of his arousal popping up like an unwanted exclamation. He barely had time to invoke some sort of reaction before Jiwon’s tongue was there lapping at the sensitive tip. He uttered a low moan, collapsing back to the bed, fingers clutching the sheets tightly as Jiwon’s tongue began massaging the engorged end, licking his pre-cum with no hesitance.

“Junhoe…” Jiwon muttered the name raspily, “You taste so good.” He declared, before the lucid warmth of that mouth enveloped Junhoe and dragged him into the new, uncharted world of ecstasy.

~~~~~

Hanbin knew something had changed when Junhoe walked into his room with that smile beaming across his lips. Junhoe had bowed profusely and greeted his mother, who commented that the blond looks real good on him. That was the physical change. The platinum wash. It was Airplane all over again, a reminder of what had made Hanbin’s heart fluttered in the first place. He was also sturdier now, more masculine. Despite the white shirt and predictable track pants, he looked model worthy as he strutted across the carpet of the Kims’ living room, following Hanbin.

“Here.” Junhoe intoned cheerily, slapping a notebook, filled with a bunch of papers against Hanbin’s chest as he entered. “Wow, did you have a room makeover!?” Junhoe admired the new additions, some of which he recognized had been in Hanbin’s dorm room before. He sighted the huge cork board and began walking towards it. He chuckled at Hanbyul’s notes, going over them slowly and then stopped at the printouts of his own writings, held up by a myriad of multicoloured thumbtacks.

“They are easier to read when they are on paper.” Hanbin explained hurriedly.

“I guess they are.” Junhoe mused in silence.

“Can I get you a drink? No alcohol, though. My mum would nag.” Hanbin said.

“I would not even dare to ask for anything more stronger than soda.” Junhoe intoned, settling into the swivelling chair still in awe that he was in the space where Hanbin now worked his magic. Hanbin left the room, a wistful smile playing on his lips. His mother stood in the kitchen, already preparing a tray of snacks and two cans of beer. There was a rudimentary studio set up in the corner of the room. Junhoe recalled that some had been gifts from Hanbin’s loyal fans.

“_Eomma_.” Hanbin whined, eyeing the beer and returned them to the fridge, replacing them with chilled Pepsi.

“I thought you boys might want to drink.” His mother stated, her face betraying nothing. He carried the tray, allowing her to ruffle his hair. He wished she would stop worrying about him but of course, even he knew that this was something she was incapable of doing, especially in the light of recent events.

“You made it into a book?” Junhoe asked, flipping through the bound volume he had discovered on Hanbin’s table. Hanbin nodded, placing the tray at the opposite end of the table. He walked back to close his room door then turned to gaze at Junhoe once again, appraising that profile quietly. There was definitely a change and it was no longer just a visual thing. There was an intrinsic awareness in those eyes. They still had the fresh innocence Hanbin had appreciated over the years, the candour in his politically incorrect jokes and toilet humour, but there was something profound there as well, as if he had went halfway to the moon and then returned, because it seemed as though that was just how far he was willing to travel.

“How are you and your Jiwon-_hyung_?” Hanbin asked, unable to refrain himself from sounding sarcastic at the mention of Jiwon’s name and hoping that Junhoe was too fixated on the book to notice. It failed. Junhoe closed the book and turned to look at him, his eyes slanted with suspicion and a half-smile which under different circumstances, Hanbin would totally appreciate.

“We are fine.” Junhoe admitted. “More than fine, if truth be told.” He added almost mischievously, the half-smile now in full bloom as he planted a feet onto the carpeted floor and began spinning himself around the chair. Hanbin snorted in faux disgust and Junhoe laughed, that rumbly sound Hanbin dearly loved, filling his room. It was like music to Hanbin’s ears. Over the years, Hanbin might have complained and said he was loud or his laugh grated the ears. Of course, it was all a ruse. Junhoe’s voice had been the oasis of his pain and the warm, inviting blanket through the cold of all his struggles. Junhoe’s eyes were glittery with happiness; the giddy sort, one would equate with the high of being in love.

Hanbin stopped the chair from spinning immediately, bending slightly, gripping the armrest. Junhoe’s laughter stopped abruptly now, because Hanbin’s face was mere inches away from him.

“Have you slept with him?” Hanbin asked firmly and something in his gaze made Junhoe sit up. It was TigerBin all over again, only his face was darker and much, much more severe. In all the years with Hanbin, Junhoe had never seen him this way. “Answer me.”

“What are you doing?” Junhoe asked as Hanbin wheeled the chair until the back hit the wall and Junhoe was thrown back into the seat, eyes rounded and his mouth gaping wide in shock. “Ya-Kim Hanbin. What is going on?” Junhoe whispered. Something filtered into the dark pupils that were nailed onto Junhoe’s terrified face. It was Hanbin again, the Hanbin he was more familiar with, the Hanbin he knew as his leader.

“I’m…I’m sorry.” Hanbin stood up immediately. “Let me get you a drink.” He smiled and it was not a full bloom Kim Hanbin smile. It was uncertain, half curved and completely did not belong on those lips. Junhoe took the Pepsi hesitantly, still reeling from the sudden display of…whatever it was that seem to have bothered Hanbin. “Are these your latest?” Hanbin was flipping through the notebooks and papers now and it was almost as if dark-Hanbin had not surfaced out of the blue just moments ago.

“Y-y-yes.” Junhoe answered, still staring at Hanbin in trepidation. Hanbin brought the books to his bed, sitting down and began reading them silently. Junhoe settled into a puzzled silence, crossing his legs and folding his arms after putting down the untouched can of soda.

“Junhoe?” Hanbin said after awhile in the silence that had settled between them so ponderously. Junhoe regarded Hanbin anxiously. He was still perusing the notebooks he had compiled so carefully last night after Jiwon had fallen asleep. His leader. When did Junhoe decided that he would follow Hanbin to the ends of the world? Since the first day he walked into the practice room. Hanbin had looked so intimidating among the triple Kims that it was only natural one would gravitate towards wanting to please him, even though he had been the youngest of the original trio. Even with Yunhyeong joining in days later and with everyone treating Junhoe like a _maknae_, Hanbin had remained forbidding and unforgiving in the practice rooms and studios. Junhoe respected and was in awe of him. “I’m sorry about just now, okay? I guess I missed being around all of you. I missed…I missed the closeness we had.” Hanbin muttered, still not looking up.

“Of course. I understand.” Junhoe replied, smiling sadly, stopping himself from thinking any further about this before he started crying.

Whatever expectations Hanbin had of him within the group, Junhoe was always more than willing to fulfil it even if it meant that he had to step on the toes’ of other members. Without Hanbin, they would never have known what it meant to push themselves closer to the edge and keep pushing it beyond the boundaries of human extremes. Without Hanbin, they would never have known the true meaning of struggle and overcoming it. Without Hanbin, they would never have dared to face the darkness and come out clean into the light on the other side. Hanbin always led by example, never by force or peer pressure. He was always the first one to plunge himself into the unknown and they all would have followed willingly, without question.

Losing him was akin to having their lifeline pulled from under them. They floundered and was lost for the longest time, drifting into the tepid waters of the unknown. When Jaeho-_hyung_ had broke the news to them, that Hanbin was no longer a part of the agency, a part of the group, it was as if some dark, twisted entity had broken into the sanctity of their brotherhood and tore its throbbing heart out, leaving behind a gaping mess. The calm with which each of them absorbed the words belied a storm that had, for the longest time, threatened to throw them into a whirling tempest they had managed to avoid all these years simply because they held on so strongly to each other that they were practically rooted to their dreams and ideals collectively. Hanbin being wrenched from them, threw them off course, scattered them wildly across the inevitability of nowhere.

Junhoe only remember successive nights of drinking and writing; immersed in a pain for which his own words were not enough, of managers coming in and out of his room, checking up on him, of phones being secretly checked and the imperative need to report to the managers, even if you were going for something as mundane as the convenience store for _gimbap_ and _soju_.

It was stifling.

Junhoe went into a shutdown mode even Jinhwan, the one he had been closest to before all this happened, could not even break into. Junhoe, like everybody else was stuck in the limbo of depression, disguised in the form of hopelessly waiting for Hanbin to return.

“This one is good. Flood?” Hanbin said after long moments of leaving Junhoe immersed in his own thoughts.

“Yup, I wrote it after…” Junhoe stopped himself from sharing too much. This time, Hanbin’s eyes did find his, questioning, wanting to know. Junhoe flashed a sad smile, “After you were gone.” He sighed in resignation.

“It’s not so bad, isn’t it? To have me gone?” Hanbin asked in the quiet pause after Junhoe’s statement.

“How do you want me to answer that?” Junhoe asked gently in return, voice thick with hurt. “You are our leader, after all.” He concurred and Hanbin’s heart, sordid and dark as it was now in the aftermath of being deprived from the one he loves the most, thrived for the first time since he was driven home after Jinhwan and Yunhyeong found him by the river, where he had sat in abject despair when everything was taken away from him that morning of June twelfth.

“I am sorry, Junhoe-ya. I am sorry for hurting you that way.” Hanbin had stopped reading the notes, now instead trying to read Junhoe’s face from where he was sitting, looking for the stir of emotions.

“There was nothing to be sorry about. Even if there was a mistake, we are only human, after all. We were meant to make mistakes for we were not created perfect.” A smile appeared upon Hanbin’s lips this time. They were the very same words Hanbin had said to Junhoe when he had gotten into trouble the year before and he had garnered so much public criticism. Hanbin stood up, walking over to where Junhoe had turned the chair away so Hanbin would probably not see the emotion plastered across his face. He placed a hand on one sturdy shoulder. Junhoe stiffened and then slowly, the shoulder drooped, giving way to tears that were silent.

“Thank you for cherishing me, Junhoe-ya. Your words are soothing for me.” Hanbin whispered, fingers riffling through that newly dyed hair that would never change the man Junhoe had grown into.


	6. A Ponderous Pond of Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Junhoe struggles with his thoughts, even as he fully surrenders his trust to Jiwon, who had been waiting patiently, whilst wondering what is causing Hanbin's broody mood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> > This chapter contains graphic sexual scenes. ‼️🔞‼️

Junhoe came back to the dorm and went straight to sleep. He had not heard the messages and calls on his phone, because his phone itself was on silent mode. A large number of calls and messages came from his mum and the rest from Jiwon. He really needed the sleep. It had been a tiring day, meeting Hanbin and then to the salon to have his hair washed back to its original colour. He really hated the blond. It was not original, it was not him and it definitely did nothing to his looks and he was tired of it. 

“It’s because of you, I had to have it done!” Junhoe had whined when he went over to the Kim’s house this morning. He had become sort of a monthly fixture, often coming over before any of his schedules. Mostly to pass his poems and share some of his compositions with Hanbin. Hanbin shared with him some of the songs he was working on. Hanbin’s studio was taking shape just fine. It always feels as if he was visiting family or relatives. They had taken to sharing beer sometimes. Hanbin could hold his liquor well now, but still, was averse to anything stronger than the occasional fruity versions. Junhoe dissed him about it and they had almost reverted back to the insults and name-calling they had been prone to when they were still in the same group.

“_Wae_?” Hanbin sat on his chair, his lips circling into that blameless O it often did whenever he was accused of anything.

“You had the blond hair before you left! Someone had to have blond hair in your place for the comeback!” Junhoe complained although a smile was already playing on his lips. Hanbin tsked. and threw a pencil at him, which he caught with a giggle and that adorable scratch to the back of his head.

“Ya~I didn’t leave alright, they threw me out.” Hanbin whined back, swinging his chair and just like that it got quiet, as it often did whenever this subject was brought up. Even months after, the pain was numbing for the both of them. Junhoe, for losing his leader and Hanbin ,for losing his everything, including the one he had wanted to love and protect most of all. It was crazy that he barely even cared for the music. He knew his family was rallying behind him and he did feel inspired but it was not the same as when he was with them, with Junhoe especially.

“I’m sorry.” Junhoe mumbled, flipping through his notebook, a new one, the one Hanbin had given him just last month. He had already filled it up, despite being busy with the comeback. It told Hanbin a lot of things. It told Hanbin that even despite the comeback, Junhoe had not rested enough and was filling pages at night. Well, either that, or he was spending a lot of time with Jiwon. A thought Hanbin did not welcome and quashed immediately.

“I downloaded Deep Night.” Hanbin swiftly changed the subject. “Was it fun writing it with Jiwon-_hyung_?” _Again_. That sarcastic way of him pronouncing Jiwon’s name. Junhoe wondered if he would ever garner enough courage to ask what it entails? Was Hanbin really okay with their relationship? It seem to set heavy in his heart, even though Jiwon keep reassuring him that there was no longer anything there between them. Maybe, just maybe Hanbin still had some leftover feelings. After all, Jiwon was his first love and those are not so easily forgotten, weren’t they?

“Ya-it’s not even released proper, how can you download it illegally?” Junhoe stated, but feeling pleased all the same. It meant the world to him coming from Hanbin. “It was good writing with him.” Junhoe shared after a momentary silence, but it was more than good. It was the very reason they became close. The reason they both decided there was something more substantial between them than just being in the same group and the mutual respect they both have for each other’s talents. The drinking sessions had truly opened them up to sharing their thoughts freely with each other, even if there was still that awkwardness between them. Realising that there was something there had been the most eye-opening experience of all.

“I’m bi.” Jiwon had shared.” But I have found myself being more attracted to men since I turned twenty.” Jiwon had admitted, searching Junhoe’s face closely to see if he was showing signs of closing up and perhaps, avoiding Jiwon’s gaze. Junhoe had looked slightly shocked, but had not commented anything in response to this.

“You have been with girls.” Junhoe stated, after much consideration, because he did not want Jiwon to clam up either, not when they were this comfortable with each other. It felt more like a statement than a question anyway.

“Yes. I’ve had a relationship with a girl. Then it was a man, older than me and then Hanbin when we were training.” Jiwon had admitted. “Does it bother you?” Jiwon asked, really curious to know what Junhoe thought of it.

“But you have not been with Hanbin for awhile now. So, is there no one you are attracted to…now?” Junhoe asked, mulling over the scotch in his hand. He looked sulky, like a child and Jiwon thought nothing was more attractive to him than the sweep of his curled lashes as he asked this burning question, which he had probably been wanting to ask for the longest time.

“There is, as a matter of fact.” Jiwon had answered, smiling languidly, settling heavily onto the bean bag because Junhoe was on the bed he often slept in when he was in the studio writing and recording songs. The same bed he often dreamt about Junhoe when nights get too long and lonely and he was frustrated by the idea that he had to keep his feelings a secret for so long, it hurt his heart and his brains. Junhoe was looking at him now, a fire alight in his eyes. For a moment there, it had looked almost like hope. It made Jiwon return his gaze, longer, stronger now, almost daring Junhoe not to look away so he could finally say it.

“Who?” Junhoe had whispered. A whisper, because there was something about the way Jiwon was gazing at him as he said it, that made it impossible to look away. There was affection, softness and a longing which Junhoe could somehow relate to, like the undercurrent of attraction between them which Junhoe began picking up since he became an adult.

“It must be quite a change from my style of producing.” Hanbin had muttered, gazing longingly at Junhoe, who himself, was reminiscing the languid days in the studio when Jiwon confessed his feelings and bared his soul to Junhoe. Hanbin could already see the black of his roots showing even beneath the cap he had on. The moles on his right cheek.

“Junhoe?” The raspy voice could only belong to Jiwon. “Junhoe?” The sound of his room door opening and Jiwon sighing with relief at the sight of him crashed into his bed. “Ya-Koo Junhoe! Are you that tired, you couldn’t even tell me you’re home? Huh?” Jiwon teased, closing the door and sidling onto the bed, hands cupping the butt sticking out from the covers and blankets on his bed.He had not even changed from his morning get-up of track pants and shirt. Junhoe groaned in protest.

“Ah-_hyung_…I’m so tired.” Junhoe complained, but still liking that sudden touch. Jiwon chuckled, his hands now going under Junhoe’s belly, as if searching for something.

“Where’s your phone?” Jiwon was starting to sound testy, maybe because Junhoe had not answered his texts since this afternoon and Jiwon knew he met Hanbin in the morning. He truly hated how easily jealous he was becoming these days just at the mere mention of Hanbin’s name. It was almost as if the more he knew Junhoe, the deeper his love had become and now it feels as if all he needed was Junhoe. Just Junhoe all the time.

“_Wae gurae_?! Wait…” Junhoe was giggling now, because Jiwon’s fingers had gone to his ribs, tickling there with purpose, causing Junhoe to turn over so that now Jiwon could pin himself on top of Junhoe. “Ah, _hyung_…” Junhoe groaned again, half in frustration and the other half in a desire he could no longer deny. Jiwon broke out into a raspy laughter, filled with pleasure. when he felt that little bump against his own arousal. 

“You didn’t even come back to kiss me and you want to go to sleep? Huh?” Jiwon teased now, showering kisses against Junhoe’s cheeks as the boy rumbled in tickled laughter.

“Ah…_mian_. I’m sorry!” Junhoe yelled as Jiwon continued teasing with a barrage of tickles and kisses, struggling to fight back. Jiwon finally relented and sat up, allowing Junhoe to regain his senses.

“Ya-_imma_, your mom called Taewoong-_hyung_, asking if you were here, because you didn’t reply her. Go and answer her first.” Jiwon stated, more seriously this time.

“_Jinjja_?” Junhoe was mulling now, sitting up quickly, hands searching for his phone. It had ended up under his pillow. He scrolled through his messages, texting his mum furiously before reading Jiwon’s. “I’m sorry, _hyung_. I went to the salon to get the hair switched back to black.” Jiwon had noticed it, of course. It was good to see Junhoe with his dark hair once more. He looked more comfortable. If only their fans knew how he hated colouring his hair, Jiwon thought. It would have made them laugh and tease him.

“Looks good. You happy to have it back?” Jiwon asked, ruffling the bouncy thickness of his crowning glory playfully, chuckling with pleasure. Junhoe flashed his gummy smile. The one that Jiwon treasured the most because it was sincere and was the reason for him waking up most days, of late.

“Yes.” Junhoe answered, sliding himself over and turning Jiwon’s face to his. “I miss you.” Jiwon peered at those lips now, plump and pink, ready for kisses, always.

“Of course, I miss you. How did it go with Hanbin this morning?” He asked, sighing as Junhoe ran his tongue across his lips, wetting and tasting it, making him hunger for more.

“Oh, it was usual stuff.” Junhoe answered, his voice deep and sonorous. It was amazing listening to it now when he was deep in the throes of desire, after hearing him sing for so many years. Now, Jiwon can only associate it with this; the throbbing, unrelenting whisper filled with need. “I read my poems…” Junhoe husked, one of those hands with the graceful, effeminate fingers had travelled slowly up his thighs sheathing itself into his shorts, “…sang a bit, played the guitar…” Junhoe had a good hold of Jiwon’s arousal, moving up and down the length even as it went harder, longer because his touch was definitely magic, just like the way he played the strings of his guitar. Jiwon squirmed, breathing heavily, very much aware that Junhoe could read his body so well now.

“Hmmm…” Jiwon acknowledged, as he allowed Junhoe to deepen the kiss, tongue sliding over his, tilting his head for better access, tasting and prodding Jiwon with a patience that he had cultivated through the months of intimacy. Junhoe’s arms around his shoulders tightened and Jiwon let his hands slide under the shirt, fingers tracing over the nubs of Junhoe’s nipples, causing the younger boy to moaned deeply, a sound that was better than any song Jiwon had ever heard him sing. Junhoe released him, long enough to stand up and take off the shirt, standing in front of Jiwon. Jiwon discarded his own shirt and then helped Junhoe with his pants. “Do you want me to put you in my mouth?” Jiwon asked.Junhoe shook his head, pulling the pants out of his legs and then pushing the briefs down, unmasking his ebullient prow.

“I bought something today. I thought we could try it.” Junhoe whispered and Jiwon’s eyes widened in question.

“How was it?” Junhoe asked Hanbin when it got silent between them once more.

“How was what?” Hanbin asked, moping already, because Junhoe had a salon appointment in fifteen minutes, which meant he was leaving soon and it would probably be a month before Hanbin saw him again.

“Being intimate with Jiwon.” Junhoe intoned. “I’m curious only because I want to know what to expect!” Junhoe quickly explained, blushing profusely and pretended to gaze at Hanbyul’s notes to Hanbin pinned on the wall, although Hanbin could have sworn he had read that all the time he came over here. It was utterly adorable to see Junhoe fumble over something seemingly awkward and Hanbin would have been highly amused, if he was not already overtly jealous that Junhoe wanted to talk about fucking Jiwon or letting Jiwon fuck him. 

“Like I told you, he knows stuff. He knows a lot so just…trust him I guess?” Hanbin sighed, flipping through Junhoe’s notebook aimlessly, trying not to let the vision of Jiwon reaming into Junhoe cloud his mind too much. “You know he does not really touch you there.” Hanbin added, as if in afterthought.

“There?” Junhoe gulped, trying to wrap his mind around what Hanbin just said.

“Blowjobs and handjobs. He does not like touching penises or putting it into his mouth, if you want me to put it plainly.” Hanbin quickly said, flipping back and forth the pages. Junhoe bit his lips, turned to Hanbin, as if wanting to ask or say something and then shut it for good measure. “I mean if you really don’t want to turn him off. He really is not that type of lover, but everything else, he is really good at.” Hanbin added urgently and then shut the notebook, almost too violently. Junhoe gazed at him in surprise, deciding that he might as well not tell Hanbin about how all Jiwon had been giving him for the last two months were only those two things.

Junhoe smiled to himself as he continued gazing at the notes on the wall, realising perhaps, the extent of Jiwon’s love for him. Hanbin caught that smile though and it induced a rage he simply could no longer bear to control.

“I guess…” Junhoe began, but Hanbin had stormed out of his room, throwing the book in Junhoe’s direction.

“If you are going to leave just go. Leave the notebook on the table and take the ones you left behind last month!” Hanbin had half shouted in his wake. Junhoe wondered if he had made Hanbin angry by asking about sex and Jiwon. It sounded as if he was furious that Junhoe had dared to ask him about personal stuff and Junhoe regretted it immediately.

After all, who in their right minds, would want to talk about their ex-lover, especially to a friend or someone close without having some sort of residual feelings surfacing. Junhoe felt so guilty that he left, taking his notes without saying goodbye to Hanbin, who watched him walking out dejectedly from the upper balcony of his house. Hanbin, who had walked off with tears filling his eyes and now spilling them uncontrollably as he watched the love of his life walk out and away into the arms of another man, probably thinking about making love to that man while Hanbin wallowed in his misery as he had done so every single time Junhoe’s visits came to an end.

“_Adeul_?” His mum called him from the entrance of the balcony.

“Yes?” Hanbin answered, without turning to look at her, swiping at his eyes urgently but trying so hard not to make it look too obvious. Of course, she could tell when her son was upset. It was all she had witnessed ever since he was accused of something he had only thought of doing so many years ago. Her poor son, who was at the cusp of success now only hurtling towards despair. It was something only a mother could ever have a preview to and she was helpless to stop him.

“Come in and have some tea.” She sighed and Hanbin did not answer her. He simply could not. His heart was too broken to be capable of anything else but hurting.

_A tube of lubricant_. Junhoe had taken it out from his drawer and he passed this to Jiwon, who took it looking mildly shocked.

“Junhoe…” Jiwon muttered. Junhoe held him by the shoulders, pulling him up to stand. Junhoe shook his head, pulling Bobby’s boxers down slowly.

“No need to say anything, _hyung_. I am ready. I guess I have been ready for awhile, but today seems like a good day as any.” Junhoe confessed. “But, I want to be on top as you enter me so…I can control the amount of pain, if that is okay with you, of course.” He added. Jiwon cupped him by the back of the head and kissed him deeply in gratitude. Both of them were out of breath when Jiwon released him. “_Hyung_, take some of that and put it on yourself and me too. I will need a lot of guidance.” Junhoe added.Jiwon backed himself onto Junhoe’s bed, one hand holding out to urge Junhoe onto it as well. Junhoe took hold of his hand immediately, gripping tightly and the trust in Junhoe’s big, dark eyes were clear and unwavering. Junhoe straddled him, naturally, their erections listing into and against each other as Jiwon unsealed the lube and placed some onto his hand, he gestured for Junhoe to hold out his hand and he pressed some onto those wonderful, magical hands.

“Use that on me, sweetheart. Stroke me.” Jiwon urged, “But slowly.” He added quickly, seeing how eager Junhoe’s hands were applying the gel against his turgid member. “Yes…yes. Slower.” Jiwon instructed. With care, he slowly rubbed the lube around the tip of Junhoe’s throbbing shaft, his palm circling lazily around it, sheathing downwards and then up, repeating the motion almost carelessly, but with intent. Junhoe gasped at first, because the gel was cold, but Jiwon’s touch was warm and lucid, allowing him ample time to shudder in ecstasy as he continued rubbing Jiwon’s tumescent length. Junhoe grimaced slightly the moment he could feel one of Jiwon’s finger circling his tight hole. “Sweetheart? Do you want me to stop?” Jiwon asked, his eyes gazing up at Junhoe’s finely carved face now seemingly grim. Junhoe considered this, pushing his derriere slowly against the finger. Jiwon had shifted, propped against the pillows to sit up at a forty five degree angle, just so he could read that face better, his brows were furrowed, his whole body had stilled.

“No. Keep at it. I think I’ll be fine.” Junhoe finally said and Jiwon heaved a soft sigh, before continuing plying his attention, gently probing, spreading the lube as much as he can around the pulsatingopening with care. Junhoe held his breath when Jiwon’s finger finally made its entry. He exhaled and that seem to hold well. He bit his tongue when Jiwon slowly eased his second finger.

“Sweetheart, damn, you look so hot like that. Can I kiss you?” Jiwon moaned softly, high on Junhoe’s languid strokes and the excitement of possibly entering his lover tonight. Junhoe smiled, shifted forward slightly and let Jiwon have full access to his lips. Lost in the passion of Jiwon’s motuh, Junhoe had barely realised that his lover had sneakily inserted his third finger, slowly playing with his hole until he was fully opened and ready for penetration. Still, Jiwon was definitely bigger and thicker than three fingers combined. Junhoe gasped against his lips when he first felt Jiwon’s tip pulsating against the entrance of his taut hole.

“Jiwonnie…” Junhoe exhaled moaning exquisitely in that hoarse voice which sounded both seductive and vulnerable in Jiwon’s ears.

“Yes, sweetheart. You are so tight. I am so scared of hurting you.” Jiwon whispered raspily and Junhoe gazed down onto that face, the hair now plastered to his forehead with sweat because he had been holding on to the vestiges of his desire for so long. Junhoe recalled Hanbin saying how Jiwon hated touching or having penises in his mouth and thought nothing was more moving than a man willing to do so much for him simply out of love. Junhoe hugged him tightly against his chest. His own breath haggard as he slowly pushed himself down into Jiwon’s magnificent rod. “Junhoe, wait…” Jiwon had exclaimed but he was in and it was just pure, unfiltered heaven. Junhoe had impaled himself, with fervour and absolute faith in him. “_Fuck._” Jiwon exhaled now, touched by Junhoe’s courage and sacrifice. He began inducing Junhoe into a state of pleasure at his own hand, administering short and fast strokes up and down Junhoe’s erection, wanting to reward his lover for it. _For this_. The insurmountable pleasure in his hand spurred Junhoe to move and this in turn, allowed for Jiwon to experience firsthand the lush tightness of Junhoe’s insides. 

“Jiwon-hyung. I think I might come.” Junhoe was groaning now, as if he had been holding back a lot and was now finally set for a tumultuous release. Jiwon began his thrusts right then and Junhoe shouted in a diaspora of pleasure, wracked with agony, as Jiwon began tearing his defenses, hitting his prostate with unforgiving measure. Junhoe rose upwards and then back down as Jiwon collected momentum for his next thrust even as Junhoe spilled his seed, into Jiwon’s hands and belly.

“I’m coming too, sweetheart. Junhoe-ya…Jun…” Jiwon dragged the first syllable of his lover’s name as he staggered into his own release. Jiwon froze, the veins in his temples sticking out prominently as Junhoe crashed against him and he exhaled a whiff of satisfactory relief into the cool air of Junhoe’s room.Jiwon clutched the back of Junhoe’s head against his shoulder. “Thank you, Junhoe-ya, thank you for trusting me.” Jiwon was confiding freely, feeling vindicated both by his love for Junhoe and the fact that Junhoe had loved him enough to allow him this privilege.

~~~~~

Junhoe watched Jiwon snoring softly with affection. They had a schedule tomorrow and things have been hectic of late, but just seeing Jiwon resting so fitfully, made him feel a sense of achievement. As if he had been the cause of Jiwon’s restful sleep and rightfully so. He got up and padded to the bathroom to shower. While he did so, he began recalling how Hanbin had clammed up immediately after he had asked questions about Jiwon. Once again, Junhoe wondered if he had dredged up bitter memories for Hanbin. It was obvious, Hanbin had showed disdain when mentioning Jiwon’s name, often emphasising ‘hyung’ quite sarcastically in a manner Junhoe barely found pleasing. Then today, he had just walked out of his room without even saying goodbye, all because Junhoe had asked a perfectly harmless question about Jiwon’s bedroom habits. Junhoe walked out of the shower, naked and with the towel still wrapped around his hair.

“_Aigoo-ya…_” Donghyuk exclaimed at the sight of him. Junhoe grinned and quickly offered apologies, wrapping the towel around the lower half of his body. Donghyuk had dressed nicely today, but it was obvious he had just returned from somewhere. “Move, man, I need to use the toilet.” Donghyuk stated quite roughly. Junhoe moved aside and walked back to his bedroom, not surprised to find Jiwon deep in slumber. He picked up his pants and gave up looking for his shirt, letting the towel rest over his shoulder. He heard the bathroom door opened and Donghyuk walking back to his room.

“Ya-Donghyukie, are you free? I wanted to ask you something.” Junhoe asked, trying to sound as casual as he possibly could, trying to look it as he stood by the entrance of his room.

“Now? What time is it?” Donghyuk said, glancing at the clock on the living room wall. It was quarter past eleven. He sighed. “Ten minutes. That’s all I can give you.” Donghyuk mused and Junhoe took it, walking in after the group’s lead dancer who was probably the closest to Jiwon than even Junhoe himself. “What’s up? Is Bobby-_hyung_ not with you?” Donghyuk asked.

“He’s asleep. I just wanted…to ask if you knew anything about him and Hanbin, from the last time…you know.” Junhoe was nervous and he hated that it showed. Donghyuk had settled on his bed.

“Well, I know _hyung_ was not keen on the idea of getting together.” Donghyuk mulled as if trying to drag something up from his memory.

“Jiwon-_hyung_? Oh really? Why was that?” Junhoe asked lightly. Donghyuk nodded and then answered,

“Well, something about being in a relationship while being in the same group. Like office romance, you know. Things like these rarely work out and in real life, they often turn sour and the relationship suffers. Plus Hanbin-_hyung_ is our leader…” Donghyuk trailed off here and then whispered, “well, was.”

“But they ended it on a good note, didn’t they?” Junhoe persisted, even though Donghyuk was feigning a lot of yawns now. 

“Well as far as I know. I mean, Jiwon-_hyung_ was convinced it did, Hanbinnie though…” Donghyuk trailed off here and Junhoe’s eyes lighted on him keenly, waiting for more. “You know how Hanbin gets when we are in the midst of recording, he’s always cranky and goes around acting as if someone pushed a pole up his ass.” Donghyuk recounted and Junhoe nodded in agreement. It was.

This leader energy was sorely missed for this comeback and Junhoe found himself barely having any drive to even continue sometimes, without Hanbin breathing down his neck. He knows the rest feels the same as well, but nobody was saying anything with the gag order on Hanbin or anything related with. That, to Junhoe, was the most ridiculous thing to ever surface from all this crap. That the company acted as if Hanbin did not exist at all. “Well, he was extra cranky this time around and I wondered if it had anything to do with the break-up.”

“You think he had a hard time letting go?” Junhoe asked what was weighing heavy on his mind and Donghyuk shrugged with uncertainty.

“Hard to tell. I know Jiwon was over it, though. He was writing stuff after that and most of it was lovey-dovey stuff, you know the songs in his album?” Donghyuk added, “ Now will there be anything else? I need to call Vinii and tell him I reached the dorm safely.” Donghyuk asked in exasperation. Junhoe made a face, but said thanks nevertheless and trudged back to his room thoughtfully. He laid beside Jiwon slowly, trying not to wake him but he stirred, only to place an arm across Junhoe’s chest. Junhoe’s phone burred. It was Hanbin.

_‘Hey, I’m sorry about just now. Are you coming over again’_

Junhoe sighed, reading the message. Was it wise to continue seeing Hanbin if it was only to hurt him by rubbing his relationship with Jiwon to his leader’s face?

_‘Maybe after the comeback is done. Won’t be so busy after’_

Junhoe typed and sent, not wanting to think too much about this, but thinking hard anyway.

_‘Sure. Can you sent me your version of Deep Night btw. Without the rap’_

Hanbin texted back, and Junhoe could already imagine him lying back on his bed, probably feeling bad about what had happened this afternoon and wanting to make it up to Junhoe by asking about his self-written song. His leader had always been selfless.

_‘You mean like a raw, acoustic copy? Sure. I’ll email it to you tmrw though. I’m going to sleep now’_

‘_Jaljjayo_’

It was a simple goodnight greeting, but Junhoe had not expected it to hit him this hard. Hanbin, who never had to say goodnight openly to him, but was always riffling his fingers through his hair, telling him to go to sleep or slowly waking him up, because he was the only one who Junhoe listened to without ever getting mad at. Junhoe wondered if his relationship to Jiwon was adding the hurt for Hanbin and he chided himself for being so open about his relationship to everyone, especially to Hanbin, knowing he was no longer with the group. He turned to gaze at Jiwon. Jiwon, with his bunny teeth peeking out of his lips while he slept had a perfect soul and heart and Junhoe wondered if he was deserving of it.

If push came to shove, would he be willing to give up his love for his leader? That was crazy. Most people spent their lives looking for a love like this, but he was not most people and if anything Donghyuk said about having a relationship while being in the same group would only spell doom for romance, was this love going to make it? Junhoe settled himself to sleep, but he knew it was futile now. There probably was something to write about this, but he knew had to rest for now.


	7. The Persistence of Coping With Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jiwon meets up with Hanbin at his request. Junhoe accidentally shares with Jinhwan about Hanbin's kiss for him and a grave misunderstanding occurs.

Jiwon was not surprised by Hanbin’s phone call. He had, in some ways been expecting it. For weeks, almost months now, he had always suspected that things were out of sync especially when it came to the amount of time Junhoe had spent meeting Hanbin on certain days. Even as he allowed his jealousy to increase, the fact that Junhoe would always return to him, still full of love and affection in that pure, innocent way of his, Jiwon was convinced that Junhoe had regarded these visits as nothing more than meeting up with the friend and leader he missed so dearly. Jiwon was not sure if the feeling was mutual with Hanbin. He had been considering meeting up with Hanbin and asking him on his own, but had not gathered any form of courage, despite the fact that they had remained the best of friends even after their break-up.

“Sorry I’m late.” Hanbin said softly, as he sat across the table where Jiwon had already found himself a seat. It used to be their favourite noodle place. As a matter of fact, they often met up here, even after Hanbin had been forced to leave. They would meet every two or three weeks but they stopped after the dinner they had at Yunhyeong’s family restaurant. The first and last time they had gathered for dinner, the dynamics of their friendship had taken a turn for the worst. Jiwon hated to admit that it might have been the jealousy he felt but he could also feel Hanbin himself, pulling away, creating the distance because of his own feelings towards Junhoe.

“It’s okay. I just got here five minutes ago. I ordered the usual. Are you okay with that?” Jiwon intoned as he opened a can of the alcoholic juice Hanbin liked so much and poured it into a glass.

“Yes. that’s fine. Thanks.” Hanbin muttered, gazing everywhere but at Jiwon, who was looking at him sharply.

It was the first time since their friendship that an uncomfortable silence fell between them. It was a long time coming though and Jiwon was not even sure if they would get things sorted out in one sitting. The noodles came and for awhile, they sat down, eating and making small talk just like they used to, when the world had been scary as they set out to carve their dreams hand in hand. Jiwon missed those days even more after Hanbin left. It was scary but at least they had each other. It was even scarier now after tasting the sweetness of their shortlived success. The wins, the accolades, the awards and the recognition, sometimes these memories seem to shine like a jewel in the dark, but of late, they have become almost vague, as if they had happened within another time and place.

Hanbin had finished his noodles, grabbing a piece of tissue and wiping his mouth surreptitiously with it.

“Do you want to get another one?” Jiwon asked as he finished his as well. Hanbin shook his head.

“But I’m up for another can of juice.” He stated and Jiwon ordered another round of drinks. “I’m pretty sure you have something to say today?” Hanbin guessed. “It’s been awhile since we even talked and you must be feeling uncomfortable with certain things that has been happening recently.” Jiwon flashed a knowing smile. He should not have put it past Hanbin not to even know what has been going on.

Hanbin had always been astute and observant, a trait he had honed from years of being their leader. Jiwon also believed it was because he had been borne with these qualities as well, and the pursuit of their dreams had eventually pushed him to draw upon them. Even from the beginning, Hanbin had a keen sense of premeditating behaviours and reactions. How else would all seven of them, who had different personalities and temperaments, have lived and dreamt together if it had not been for him?

“You’re in love with Junhoe.” Jiwon mused, getting straight to the crux of the matter. It was a statement. There no longer was any need for that to be in question. Hanbin remained silent, grinning down at his glass in a manner which seem reflective. The drinks arrived and Jiwon poured soju for himself

“Was I that obvious?” Hanbin asked.

“To me? Yes.” Jiwon answered curtly and then softened, “But not to Junhoe. He still thinks of you as our leader and he still looks up to you. It is not something that even I, as his lover, could ever tell him to stop.” Hanbin threw his head back gently in laughter.

“You know what’s the funniest thing about all this?” Hanbin said, turning the empty glass in his hand. Jiwon shook his head, leaning back against the wall with a heavy sigh, uncertain where this discussion is going.

“That he was the reason why I couldn’t be with you anymore. I should have known you had feelings for him when you agreed to us breaking up. Didn’t get it until you came down and told me yourself that you were in love with him.” Hanbin admitted, smiling at how ironic things had turned out to be. For them to fall out of love and then fall in love with the same person, it was both a comedy and a tragedy. “The only difference was you acted on your feelings, while I could barely muster enough courage to tell him myself.” Jiwon shrugged.

“Why didn’t you tell him? Back then, when you had the chance.” Jiwon asked.

“I took everything for granted. What we had, how I felt. I thought, maybe to be around him was enough.” Hanbin whispered and his voice was so thick with emotion, that Jiwon did not even dare look him in the eye right then. “I was wrong.”

“What will you have me do then?” Jiwon asked the question that had been on his mind for awhile. Hanbin looked up at Jiwon in surprise. “Look, you’re my bestfriend. Probably the only one I’m closest to, more than anyone else. We’ve been through so much shit together in the past, but I’ve never felt so far removed from you as I did for the past few months and I’m not even talking about distance here. Tell me, Hanbinnie, what will you have me do?” Jiwon reiterated, turning to him, eyes filled a clarity Hanbin had always admired from the beginning.

“Nothing.” Hanbin exhaled truthfully. It was Jiwon’s turn to be surprised. “Because he loves you and to ask you to leave him knowing it will hurt him…” Hanbin had to stop here because he almost choked at the thought of Junhoe being in pain. “I can’t allow that to happen to him. I can’t.” He insisted. That he had been so selfish in his reasoning; wanting to steal his bestfriend’s boyfriend, trying to make Junhoe feel confused and just being an all round asshole due to his own desires. Hanbin knew he had gone beyond what he ever thought he was capable of. It was painful coming to terms with it, but at the same time, he felt a sense of liberation. As if those bad feelings had done nothing, but imprisoned him into a darkness he was not familiar with.

“Well, that’s good to know.” Jiwon sighed. “For the record, I wasn’t about to give up on him just because you are my bestfriend. I love you, Binnie but this is my heart we are talking about. He is the very air I breathe and I won’t give him up so easily. It hurts me knowing that you are in love with him, but there’s nothing I can do about that.”

“I’m sorry.” Hanbin muttered biting his lips now as he downed the rest of his drink.

“Don’t be. You can’t help who you love.” Jiwon dismissed.

“No…I mean, I’m sorry. I’ve been meeting him figuring out ways to tell him how I feel but…” Hanbin’s voice seem to fade as he kept talking.

“But?” Jiwon urged.

“He loves you.” He exhaled with resignation. “He loves you so much, it almost seems as if his whole world is centred on you. Just you. It is comforting to know he has that. At least, after all that’s happened.” Hanbin added in a hint of jealousy mixed with frustration.

“You’re still blaming yourself for that?!” Jiwon declared in disbelief. “You do know it’s not your fault, right?” It hurt him a bit to see the sad smile on Hanbin’s lips. 

“It is my fault. I should have known better. I hurt the team, I made us lost whatever we had going on for us.” Hanbin muttered softly in dejection.

“Ya-_imma_.” Jiwon shot back, half in anger. “It’s no one’s fault, definitely not yours. And I can tell you for real, no one in the team is blaming you for it. All we have felt is a sense of loss. That’s all. Stop beating yourself up over nothing.” Hanbin wiped the errant tear that had filled his eyes at Jiwon’s declaration. _Silence_.

This time it was comforting. This time, things felt as if they had shifted slightly back into place. That the world had remained intact and it was just Jiwon having dinner with his bestfriend, Hanbin. Hanbin smiled.

“Coming from you, that’s really assuring.” Hanbin confessed. “Thanks, man.” They sat there for awhile in contemplation; of things that were, things that could have been and just for the changes they had to accept whether or not they liked them. After awhile, Hanbin stirred back to life. “Come on, I need to drink some coffee or else my mum will know I’ve been out drinking.”

“What?!” Jiwon baulked in disbelief. “You only had like two fucking cans! You can’t be drunk just yet?” Jiwon teased and Hanbin laughed as he got up. Jiwon chuckled, standing up and walking over to the counter to pay the bill. Moments later he walked out towards the entrance where Hanbin had stood, waiting for him. Jiwon put his arms around Hanbin, feeling that closeness return, quite naturally. “It’s good to have you back.” Jiwon admitted, ruffling his hair.

“Same. I’m sorry.” Hanbin stated with regret, realising just how close he had been to losing everything including his sanity just because he could not handle his heart. 

“Apology accepted, but if you try again in future, I’m going to punch you for real.” Jiwon challenged. Hanbin turned to gaze at Jiwon, realised he had been teasing and placed an arm around his bestfriend tightly, shaking that waist in banter. They both laughed, stumbling slowly towards the cafe where they would always go to for drinks after training.

~~~~~

Junhoe was strumming on his guitar, neck deep in the process of writing another song. His table, which had already been messy to begin with was now overrun by an almost mountainous pile of crumpled paper. His scrawls had turned unintelligible and he was starting to feel extremely frustrated. He closed his eyes, throwing his head back trying to dredge up the words he needed to describe the emotion he wanted to put on paper but it was slowly becoming a futile process. With one last raspy yell, he tore off another page from the notebook, crumpling and throwing it onto the table to join the growing collection.

Someone opened the door. It was Jinhwan.

“Ya-Koo Junhoe. Are you okay?” The mathyung asked, his head popping from behind the leaf of the door. Jinhwan saw the opened bottle of whisky and knew exactly what was happening. “Ya, ya, are you drinking without me?” He shouted in disbelief. Junhoe chortled, gesturing for Jinhwan to come in.

“I’m hungry, Jinan-ah.” Junhoe was complaining as Jinhwan walked straight to the desk, grabbing the bottle and taking a swig of the whisky.

“Do you want to go out and get jjajangmyeon?” Jinhwan asked. Junhoe pouted and shook his head.

“I’m waiting for Jiwon-_hyung_ to come back.” He declared with a playful smile on his lips. Jinhwan ruffled his hair in amusement.

“Where did he go?” Jinhwan asked.

“Jaeho-_hyung_ said he’s out to send some stuff back home, I think.” Junhoe was saying now. “He left quite early.”

“Then let’s go have jjajang and then we’ll pack some back for him!” Jinhwan suggested. Junhoe mulled over it, gazing at the crumpled pages on his table. He was not getting anywhere with the new song either. “Come on, let’s go out. It’s a nice day today.” He added, shaking and turning the chair Junhoe was sitting on.

“Alright, alright, let me change my shirt and then we’ll go.” Junhoe nodded, giving in. Jinhwan was right about one thing. It was a nice and cool day. Junhoe brought his favourite jumper just in case it suddenly got cold. Jinhwan was already dressed in his cardigan and denims. He had shades on and Junhoe chuckled. “Jinan-ah, why are you looking like a celebrity for? We are just going out for noodles.” Junhoe teased.

“Ya-are you dissing me?” Jinhwan muttered hurtfully. Junhoe laughed, putting on a cap over his head.

“Come on, let’s go quickly, I’m really hungry, Jinan-ah.” Junhoe began whining as they entered the elevator.

“Ya~Let me ask you something.” Jinhwan inquired curiously. Junhoe glanced at him, eyes side in anticipation. “You really love Jiwonnie, don’t you?” Junhoe blushed at this sudden question.

“Why…why are you suddenly asking me this? Now?” Junhoe stuttered, taken aback by it. Jinhwan sidled closer to him.

“You didn’t strike me as the type who would go for men.” Jinhwan teased, a playful smile playing on his lips. Junhoe scratched the back of his head, contemplating his answer. It was not something that’s easily explained or even definable by normal standards. Never in a thousand years had he expected for anything like this to happen. That was exactly what Jiwon had said to him when Junhoe had asked who he was attracted to now and Jiwon had plainly said

“You.” Jiwon stated, eyes curved into crescents to match his enduring grin as he burned the bridge and made his confession. He had held it back for far too long. Even at this point it did not even matter if Junhoe rejected him. He just wanted it out there. Junhoe’s shocked countenance was amusing to witness, anyway.

Aish-_paldwante_.” Junhoe dismissed, blinking nervously, fingers trembling as he grabbed his guitar. Jiwon took the guitar away from him.

“Why? Is it a bad thing? To be attracted to you?” Jiwon challenged, daring him to protest. He was still grinning though and it was both disarming and discomforting for some unexplainable reason. “Can’t I be attracted to you?” Jiwon questioned, in genuine curiosity. “I’ve been attracted to you for a long time now, Junhoe. I cannot keep lying to myself.” Junhoe had turned red, averting his eyes from Jiwon’s now openly direct gaze, “But I understand if you can’t accept it.”Jiwon had declared with finality and just the way he had said it, caused a flurry of panic in his heart.

“Two weeks. Give me two weeks to think it over.” He requested quickly and Jiwon nodded in agreement.

“Whether or not we will work out, I’ll accept your answer.” And of course, while two weeks was not that long a duration, things quickly went on a downward spiral within that timeframe. Things that they had no control over. Things that was about to throw them into a quicksand of uncertainty. Things that were enough to make Junhoe realise that he should not wait that long to make his decision.

“I do. I love him.” Junhoe whispered under his breath as he gazed down at the sidewalk. He had his hands deep into the pockets of his long winter jacket and Jinhwan thought he looked pretty pensive.

“But, what’s bothering you?” Jinhwan urged. He knew Junhoe had a bee in his bonnet about something. Jiwon, as much as he was smitten by Junhoe, was completely blind by how bothered and sleepless the boy seem to be lately. It was in the pile of crumpled papers on his table, the number of empty scotch bottles in his basket in the morning, it was in his eyes, bloodshot from the lack of sleep.

“I think…I think Hanbin is still in love with Jiwon-_hyung_.” Junhoe sighed miserably. Jinhwan gaped at Junhoe, even as he tried to keep in pace with the large strides the boy was taking. Junhoe was spending an inordinate amount of time over at Hanbin’s place. Jinhwan thought Hanbin was just looking out for Junhoe but he never thought that there was an underlying reason for it. Or maybe he had been too busy to notice it. 

“What makes you say that?” Jinhwan asked.

“Because the way he refers to Jiwon-_hyung_ whenever we converse, he always sounds…I don’t know, like, pretty angry and frustrated.” Junhoe interred, shaking his head as if trying to draw something from his memory.

“How did he react to it, when you told him the first time you met him again?” Jinhwan asked. That night at Han, when they walked down the path by the river. It was definitely unforgettable for Junhoe. It had been slightly more than a month since everything came unravelled and Hanbin…

“He kissed me.” Junhoe suddenly remembered. Jinhwan held Junhoe by the arm, stopping him in his tracks.

“Wait. What? Who kissed you?” Jinhwan asked, keeping his voice down because they were at a slightly crowded corner, probably a block away from the noodle place. Junhoe scratched the back of his head in bewilderment, knowing Jinhwan probably would never let up until Junhoe came clean with him.

“That night when I met Hanbinnie.” Junhoe recounted softly. “He asked if I had kissed Jiwon already and I told him…I told him I was not sure how to kiss because I’ve never done it before. And then he kissed me out of the blue.” He recalled, touching his lips now. That soft, but cold as ice kiss that had caught him offguard had indubitably became his first one and his brows furrowed wondering if Hanbin had been angry at the idea of Junhoe being with Jiwon that he wanted to steal the first kiss that would have been Jiwon’s by right.

“Wait a minute.” Jinhwan closed his eyes and exhaled with a patience he could barely afford. “Junhoe…you are telling me that the night you met Hanbinnie, after all the shit that happened, that night, he actually kissed you. On the lips?” Jinhwan ran through Junhoe’s convoluted recollection once again. Junhoe gazed at Jinhwan closely, brows still furrowed. He nodded slowly, lips pressed tightly, as if he was thinking about it just as much as Jinhwan was. “He kissed you and then he kept getting angry at the mere mention of Jiwon whenever you met him?” Jinhwan asked for corroboration, eyes fixed on Junhoe intently. Junhoe nodded again. “And you think it’s because he’s still in love with Jiwon?” Junhoe nodded again, starting to feel as if telling Jinhwan had been a mistake.

“Yes.” Junhoe affirmed. They continued walking in silence.

Junhoe suddenly stopped once more, this time by his own volition. Jinhwan turned to look at him in surprise, but his eyes were fixed on two familiar figures walking out the entrance of the noodle shop, arms anchored around each other, almost stumbling out, with smiles on their faces. Jinhwan followed his gaze and then realised that whatever this mess Junhoe had found himself in, it was just about to get more complicated. Jiwon, with his arms around Hanbin, had turned the other corner, not realising that Junhoe was there just a few feet behind them, watching as his lover walked away with his arms around their leader.

“Junhoe?” Jinhwan called him as he stood there rooted to the spot, his handsome face, pale as the dusky moon tethered to the autumn sky. Junhoe turned to looked away from that sight and from Jinhwan. His hands were urgently coming up to his face and Jinhwan was certain the boy was starting to cry. “Junhoe, are you alright?” It was a stupid question, but Jinhwan also knew there was little else he could say then.

“I’m okay, _hyung_. Let’s just go back. I’m not hungry anymore.” He muttered in barely disguised dejection, turning and started walking back where they had just passed, his steps heavy with premonition. Jinhwan glanced back to where he himself had witnessed Jiwon walking arm in arm with Hanbin and then back to Junhoe whose steps now seem urgent and fastidious. He did not even look back when Jinhwan called him, walking briskly trying to catch up with him.


	8. Ten Seconds; No More, No Less

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As both Jiwon and Junhoe decides where their relationship was headed, Hanbin receives a guest who makes him question his loyalties as a leader and as someone who loves Junhoe.

Hanbin was surprised to find Jinhwan at his house when he returned home from having coffee with Jiwon. He had double checked his phone to see if there were messages but there were none.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” Hanbin exclaimed, hugging Jinhwan tightly. “I just came back from meeting Jiwon.” He added.

“I know. I saw you both.” Jinhwan intoned, his face unsmiling. “To be clear, both me and Junhoe saw you both walking out of the _ramyun_ shop arm in arm.” Jinhwan declared knowingly. Hanbin realised the reason behind Jinhwan’s solemn countenance and piqued,

“Oh shit.” Jinhwan nodded.

“My exact thoughts.” Jinhwan interred. “Is there someplace more private we can talk in. I…I just don’t want your mum to overhear any of this.” The _mathyung_ added softly in a whisper.

“Should I give Jiwon a heads up?” Hanbin asked now, with uncertainty, his mind latching on how Junhoe might be feeling after seeing his lover and his leader together. Jinhwan shook his head vehemently.

“Let them both figure this out for themselves. If their heads are clear and their hearts are true, they will find their way to each other. Leave it to fate.” Jinhwan said with resignation. Hanbin nodded in a thoughtful manner.

Hanbin had barely closed the door before Jinhwan landed a light smack over his head.

“Ah-_hyung_!” Hanbin whined, rubbing his head and gazing at Jinhwan miserably.

“_Michyeosseo_?!” Jinhwan whispered roughly, glaring at him angrily as he placed his arms on his waist.

“What, hyung? It was just lunch and coffee after, there’s nothing between us anymore.” Hanbin cried, pouting slightly. He had not realised how much he missed having Jinhwan treat him like a child.

“Ya~I’m not talking about today.” Jinhwan sighed exasperatedly, “Why did you kiss Junhoe? Are you in love with him? Is that why you have been asking him to come over lately?” The deluge of questions came without a pause but Hanbin’s brain clicked on ‘kiss Junhoe’ almost immediately and he put a hand to his mouth in surprise.

“Oh…oh that…” Hanbin stammered softly and then his eyes widened, “He told you?” Jinhwan continued glaring at him.

“Did you really think he would tell me things like that? It’s Junhoe we are talking about here. It would come out inadvertently, even without him meaning to tell anyone. That’s Junhoe for you.” Jinhwan heaved, he was starting to calm down though, arms already dangling by his side, his boyish face tinctured with disbelief. “Why didn’t you tell me, Bin-ah?” Jinhwan plopped into the chair heavily, eyes scanning the mesh board on the wall and sighting Junhoe’s poems, which had Hanbin’s scrawls crammed between the neat lines. He covered his face with his hands, elbows resting on the table and exhaling the last vestiges of his anger.

“I didn’t even know how I felt until they told me to pack my things up and leave.” Hanbin explained, his voice small but firm in the silence which followed. “I just…I didn’t expect for Jiwon and him to end up together…at least until the day we met again.” It was weak, this explanation and search as he might, there was simply no justification to the fact that he had kissed his best friend’s boyfriend, who was supposed to be like a brother to him. To think, he and Jiwon had just made up.

“How long ago since you love him?” Jinhwan asked. Hanbin shrugged.

“Right after debut. I guess, I was just trying to ride it out. I was not expecting for it to get deeper, that’s all.” Hanbin confessed, sitting at the edge of his bed, legs stretched out as he contemplated the arduous journey of coming to terms with his feelings for Junhoe. “I really thought it was just a passing thought, a fleeting emotion. When I lost everything, it mostly felt as if I would lose him…” Hanbin shared.

“What a mess.” Jinhwan commented. There was no judgement in his voice, just resignation and a sense of grief, Hanbin found hard to dismiss. “I should have known when you kept wanting to talk to him during the last dinner we had.” Jinhwan added in afterthought.

“Will they be okay, _hyung_?” Hanbin asked, brows furrowed in anxiety now that he realised that Junhoe might suffer the consequences of his actions. Jinhwan shrugged, sighing aloud.

~~~~~

There was no one in the living room when Jiwon got back to the dorm. Donghyuk came out shortly after, gym bag slung over his shoulder.

“You’re going out?” Jiwon asked from the kitchen as he was pouring himself a glass of apple juice.

“Yup, I have a schedule with Hwangssabu-nim and then maybe home for dinner before I head back here.” Donghyuk informed him. “I’ll see you tonight.” Donghyuk remarked as he walked to the door.

“Where’s Jinani?” Jiwon asked, hopeful that he and Junhoe might have the dorm to themselves.

“I don’t really know, he left with Junhoe to get lunch but they came back and then he left again. But he didn’t say where to? Maybe he went to Platte.” Donghyuk surmised. “_Khanda_.” Donghyuk declared after putting on his shoes. Jiwon grunted a response, hoping he sounded normal. The door clicked to a close and then Jiwon washed the cup before hurrying to Junhoe’s room.

“Sweetheart…” He opened the door. Was he asleep, he thought. Junhoe was by his desk, probably writing, head leaning against one hand which had been anchored to the table, raking through his messy head of hair as if he had been wracking his brains. He still look beautiful though, from this angle and Jiwon thought he was horribly whipped for the boy his heart would probably explode if he thought too long and hard about it. “Hey…” Jiwon called, walking in. Junhoe turned, just the slightest and alarm flood Jiwon’s chest because he realised that his lover had been sniffling…no, crying by the looks of it. “Hey, sweetheart. What’s going on?” His brows furrowed in concern as he turned the chair and knelt in front of Junhoe.

Suddenly Junhoe was in his arms, sobbing, holding him tightly and Jiwon was amazed once more by how strong Junhoe had become from the soft, sassy teenager he used to be. Jiwon kept his silence, just offering comfort, because it was all that Junhoe seem to need right then. His hands rubbed Junhoe’s wide strong back, assuring, hoping whoever hurt his lover would still be alive and well enough for him to kick their ass later on.

“I…I didn’t mean to cry so…much.” Junhoe mulled after his sobs had tapered off and he came back to his senses, releasing Jiwon almost reluctantly. He was averting his gaze and his puffy eyes made him look even more vulnerable than Jiwon thought it could. Jiwon wiped Junhoe’s tears with his own hand.“I shouldn’t.” Junhoe stated, more firmly as if he had come to his senses and was beginning to feel as if he could function normally. He had slowly pushed Jiwon back but Jiwon remained where he was, still gazing up, full of curiosity. “I’m fine. I really am. Sit. We need to talk….” Junhoe stuttered slightly because there was that one last sob he needed to exhale. The one that was heavy but had to be let out because it would mean him having to face with whatever he had decided for them.“I didn’t really feel like there was a need to talk about it, but Jinani said I had to tell you everything and so did you.” Jiwon nodded in uncertainty. There was something in Junhoe’s tone of voice which had all the coldness from before.

Before they were together. And it frightened Jiwon. 

He stood up, walking over to Junhoe’s bed and sitting on it, facing Junhoe, who now slowly pulled the chair with his legs to face him.

“What is it, sweetheart? You sound…it sounds serious.” Jiwon intoned.

“I saw you just now. With Hanbin.” Junhoe finally said. Jiwon nodded, then realised that he had not told Junhoe that he was out to meet Hanbin.

“Yes, I did. I had something to talk to him about. About us.” Jiwon stated. Junhoe was gazing at him quite solemnly as if he was thinking really hard to arrange his words before he said them.

“Look, _hyung_, I understand if you and Hanbin-_hyung_ are still in love with each other. I mean, after all, you were his first love and while he wasn’t yours…” Jiwon arched his head back in surprise.

“Hold on, Junhoe. What are you saying?” Jiwon interjected, his face starting to fill with confusion.

“I saw. I saw the way you were holding each other. I don’t want to be in the way if…” Junhoe was insisting now, lips quivering as if he was torn between quelling his anger and his sorrow while wanting to declare his point, all at the same time. Jiwon shook his hands and head in panic.

“No…no…no…Junhoe, I told you, me and Hanbin are just best friends. It was what we both decided. There is nothing between him and me. You misunderstood.” Jiwon was back on his knees, clasping Junhoe’s hands tightly in his. “I couldn’t tell you I was meeting him because I wanted to call him out…for spending too much time with you.” Jiwon explained. It was Junhoe’s turn now, to be confused. His winsome face; with cheeks still puffy from all the crying and the petulant lips ready to spew a barrage of reluctant understanding was now still. His dark eyes found Jiwon, wondering what exactly was going on.

“You met Hanbin to tell him off for spending too much time with me?” Junhoe repeated slowly, what Jiwon had said so quickly. Jiwon nodded, exhaling in frustration.

“I’m sorry, but I should have told you early on. But I was jealous every time Hanbin texted or called you. I tried to be understanding about it because he is our leader after all and we lost him. I understood where you were coming from wanting to spend time with him, but I simply could not understand him wanting to meet you almost every week when he practically doesn’t even contact any of the others.” Jiwon countered. He spoke fast, but it was clear and Junhoe could feel another bout of tears rising from inside him.

“Jiwon-_hyung_…” Junhoe’s voice cracked and then he was hugging Jiwon once again, raking his fingers into Jiwon’s back, gripping tightly as tears of relief trickled down his already reddened eyes.

“Ah-_jjinja_, sweetheart. I think it would be stupid of me at this stage to have a change of mind about my feelings for you. I have harboured my love for you way too long to let you go so easily.” Jiwon whispered against Junhoe’s ears, smiling against one wet cheek. “Even if I have to fight over you with someone as special as Hanbin.”

“_Hyung_.” Junhoe rasped, trying to stop himself from overreacting to this emboldened statement. That Jiwon love him unconditionally and that his love had never wavered. It was… “There is nothing to be jealous about. Hanbin just misses all of us, but I’m always texting him, maybe that’s why he keeps wanting to meet me.” Junhoe said now, trying to console Jiwon.

“He is in love with you, Junhoe-ya. How can you not see that?” Jiwon said, cupping Junhoe’s jaw with one hand and looking at him in the eyes.

“_Hyung_…” Junhoe tried to protest.

“It’s true. He told me himself and he wasn’t proud of the fact that he had tried to steal you from me.” Jiwon announced and Junhoe’s eyes widened in surprise at this.

“Was that why he kissed me?” Junhoe suddenly muttered under his breath. Jiwon, in the act of gently wiping the tears on Junhoe’s cheeks, froze in the middle of it. His fingers hovered over that carved jawline, looking up at that puzzled visage.

“He, what?”Jiwon whispered, a flood of anger mixed with jealousy, suddenly rushing and shaking his whole body. Junhoe, realising the sudden change of tone in Jiwon’s voice, gazed at him in alarm. Fingers found Jiwon’s shoulders, which were already starting to tighten with fury. 

“That night when I first met him to tell him about us. He…he suddenly kissed me.” Junhoe explained looking at Jiwon’s face earnestly and now guilt began to flood into his dark eyes. “I’m sorry…I should have told you. It caught me off guard and I didn’t put any importance to it…not until you tell me this.” Junhoe looked as if he was about to cry again and Jiwon held his temper back, realising how complicated this must seem to his young mind. He cupped his hands under that jaw tenderly, gazing into those eyes.

“It’s fine. You have nothing to be sorry for.” Jiwon assured him, keeping his voice steady and his smile levelled even though inside, he was enraged by the fact that Hanbin could have sat face to face with him tonight, even apologise after admitting that he tried to steal Junhoe from him and yet, never mention about this stolen kiss. “I think…we really should not keep anything from each other from now onwards. If in future I feel jealous, perhaps it is best that I share these feelings with you. I would expect the same from you too.” Jiwon added, getting up and urging Junhoe to stand as well.

“This was almost a mess, wasn’t it?” Junhoe whispered, arms circling around Jiwon’s neck, his eyes were still puffy, but that smile on his lips meant everything to Jiwon.

“No, it wasn’t. I’m glad we rose above it, because I would never want for us to lose whatever this is between us.” Jiwon professed nudging a cheek against Junhoe’s supple one. Their lips melded into a gentle, chaste kiss and after awhile, Junhoe moaned deeply as Jiwon deepened the touch, letting his tongue roam into the warmth of Junhoe’s mouth full of promise and love.

~~~~~

Of course, Junhoe was surprised when Hanbin texted him suddenly, almost a month after everything had happened.

For awhile, Junhoe thought of refusing but of course, that was impossible. He told Jiwon about this and Jiwon had admitted that as much as he would not want Junhoe to meet with Hanbin, it was not his place to stop Junhoe, considering that Hanbin is and after all, their leader. And it was the truth. Irregardless of everything else, the bond they shared would always be there and to refuse Hanbin would not have sat right with either of them. 

Junhoe felt a sense of deja vu as he jogged past the traffic to the same streetlamp they had met months ago.

“Hanbin-_hyung_.” Junhoe had called. “Wow, you still look like shit.” Hanbin had chuckled in disbelief. A hand came swiftly up to clout him gently on the side of the head and Junhoe made a show of being hurt, rubbing his temple in an exaggerated manner.

“Ya-_imma_.” Hanbin had rebuked in banter and Junhoe had laughed, holding Hanbin’s hands to stop him from hitting him any further. Their laughter subsided and Hanbin exhaled a sigh. He had not released one of Junhoe’s hands, fingers lightly twining between his own digits. Junhoe considered this touch for a moment. He recalled seeing Jiwon’s arm over Hanbin’s shoulder, realised that he was fine with this and allowed it. They walked down the same, familiar path they took back then, walking in amicable silence steeped with many unspoken thoughts and words which remained hidden in each others’ hearts.

“How have you been?” Junhoe asked, eyes gazing down at the pebbled path by the river.

“Same. Maybe a little sleepless of late, but otherwise fine.” Hanbin had stated.

It was all lies, of course. He had barely ate since the night Jinhwan had come to confront him about his feelings for Junhoe. It was true that he had gotten his best friend back, but he had to pay a steep price for it.

He had barely left the house or even his room. The only one who could convince him to come out, was always Hanbyul. She would be clamouring for his attention, coaxing him to play with her or have his meals. He started writing to alleviate the pain stuck in his chest. It was as if his heart had forgotten how to function and if it did, it always felt as if a shard of glass was embedding itself deeper and deeper even as he tried dismissing it.And tears.

The discography of tears which followed his ultimate sacrifice had been inevitable. He had taken to changing the pillowcase himself and although his mum must have seen him do it way too often, she had not pried or asked him anything about it. For that, he had been grateful. His prose was darker, though. All those years of writing about heartbreaks and loneliness finally had caught up with him, but it was too dark and convoluted to be anything other than a rant or a lament. The fact that both Junhoe and Jiwon had remained silent after all of this, had been the death knell for his intractable heart.

“I wrote something last week.” Junhoe was saying. They had stopped by the water, looking out into the vast, calm darkness broken only by the choppy waves, whenever a barge or a boat cut through the serene silence. Hanbin still had Junhoe’s fingers in his hand, gripping tightly. Not for warmth or anything, it was spring and rain was still a few months away. Hanbin felt an imperative need to have those fingers in his hand. He found absolute comfort in it.

It used to be that Junhoe could just lie on his lap and he could run his fingers through that fine, silky head of hair or play with the fine hairs under that jaw before it became so sharp and finely carved. Hanbin had not realised how much he had taken those moments for granted. How Junhoe, who detested any form of physical affection from other members, even Jiwon, would never mind it that much if Hanbin touched or caressed him absentmindedly, as they all converged in the living room to have a talk or spent time together. These were among the lucid memories he held dear in his unfathomable heart. 

“You did?” Hanbin responded, but his voice cracked with emotion as he exhaled this and suddenly, he had to bite his lips, struggling to hold his tears.

“Ah-Hanbin-_hyung_, _hajima_.” Junhoe whispered, his own voice beginning to falter at this overwhelming rush of emotions. He planted his chin into his chest, trying vainly to hold back his own tears.

“I’m sorry.” Hanbin could only reply.

It had been hard for him, not to contact Hanbin.

Junhoe had at first, thought he was doing it out of respect for his relationship with Jiwon, but it was really more than that.

It was being suddenly aware of the possibility that Hanbin had been in love with him all this time and that everything Hanbin had done up until then, had only been out of love for him. That, more than anything else, had shook him so badly. While he had first regarded this revelation with disbelief, he was also beset with the recollection of all those days they had met up and the way Hanbin had reacted to everything, especially anything which was related to Jiwon, so furiously.

As things began to make gradual sense for him, Junhoe found himself caught in another conundrum.

_Would he lose Hanbin, his leader, if he did not address Hanbin’s feelings for him at all?_

“It won’t be your fault if he does, Junhoe-ya.” Jinhwan had said a week after everything had blown open for Junhoe and trying to make sense of things was steadily giving him a headache which not even whisky could alleviate. 

“I know it won’t, but what am I supposed to do now?” Junhoe had asked, ready to break down, because he truly felt as if he was at the end of his tether. No more secrets, Jiwon had said but how could he talk to Jiwon about this without putting their relationship in jeopardy. “I already lost him once, I don’t know if I can lose him forever. I know I don’t want that.”

“You are simply overthinking this, Junhoe-ya.” Jinhwan was saying, playing a game on his cellphone as he made himself comfortable on Junhoe’s bed. “Surely Hanbin would love you the same irregardless of how you feel.”

“He shouldn’t.” Junhoe had responded even though his voice was small when he said this. “I don’t...I don't deserve his love.” He added. Jinhwan sighed, bothered by the way Junhoe was having trouble handling this. Yet, who could blame him. 

“You can’t help who you love.” Jinhwan declared, sitting up and crossing his legs. He had placed his cellphone aside, looking earnestly at Junhoe, who was swivelling side to side restlessly, in his chair.

“I don’t deserve this.” Junhoe was saying into the river adamantly now, sniffling back the flurry of tears which had ran down his face. Hanbin turned to him, looking puzzled even though his face was already red from his own exertions. “I don’t deserve your love.” Junhoe repeated, clearer now, and Hanbin thought he looked even more beautiful when he cried so openly like this. Junhoe, who was private and kept his feelings hidden from them all these years, transparent and wondrous in his vulnerability, how is it he could think that he was not deserving of Hanbin’s love?

“You can’t help who you love, _pabo_.” Hanbin whispered, mirroring Jinhwan’s words. “Love is absurdity at its finest.” He added, chuckling over a sob which had threatened to escape his lips. Junhoe hurriedly wiped his tears with his free hand and Hanbin could see him being really annoyed by the tears which kept escaping from his eyes. “It’s fine Junhoe, let it all out. It is better to let it all out than to keep it hidden in your heart. It will fester and hurt you more eventually.” Hanbin urged, shaking Junhoe’s hand in banter, as if he was not doing the same to his own suffering heart already.

“Ah-_hyung_, I hate crying.” Junhoe exhaled and his face crumpled as he let loose. Hanbin gripped his hand tightly. What he really wanted was to hold Junhoe in his arms, offer him the solace he needed but of course, not now. Now when things have changed and Junhoe was very much aware of Hanbin’s feelings towards him. “S-s-sorry…if I made…things…hard for you, _hyung_.” He sobbed, facing up to his own ignorance and inability to see beyond his own feelings.

“Junhoe-ya.” Hanbin shook his head. “Stop. It’s not your fault. Never was…to begin with.” Hanbin put his arm around Junhoe now as Junhoe squatted to the ground, crying over everything that was regretful and unfair; most especially losing Hanbin, the one his heart had set itself to follow when he began this journey almost almost seven years ago.

“It’s driving me crazy, _hyung_. We need you back, you know that. I need you back.” Junhoe despaired and Hanbin thought, watching this, was even more hurtful than being forced to leave the dorm. Hanbin hunkered beside Junhoe, arms around that wide back, wanting to provide him comfort and reassurance, but knowing there was really nothing he could do at this point. It was a cruel twist of fate which caused this and they were both paying the price. All of them were.

“Are you and Jiwon really good now? There are no more misunderstandings?” Hanbin asked moments later as they sat on the same bench they did months ago. Junhoe smiled and nodded, looking ethereal as ever even with his puffy eyes and cheeks reddened from his crying awhile ago.

“He found out about the kiss you gave me, though. Hold on.” Junhoe said as he took his cellphone out and dialed Jiwon’s number. Hanbin gazed at Junhoe in surprise. “He asked me to call if we ever talked about it.” Junhoe explained, chuckling slightly as he recalled Jiwon being insistent about this like the jealous lover he was. Jiwon answered almost immediately. He was lying on Junhoe’s bed, grinning.

“_Yeoboseyo_.” He rasped, sighted Hanbin beside Junhoe and yelling, “Ya-Kim Hanbin, _chugule? _You so much as look at him like that again, I will find you and I will kill you.” Both Hanbin and Junhoe laughed. “Are you both okay?” He asked as their laughter subsided. They both nodded.

“_Mian_.” Hanbin quipped after awhile.

“No worries, return my sweetheart back to me soon, please.” Jiwon faux pleaded. Junhoe rumbled laughter, deep in his chest and Hanbin was relieved by the way his eyes sparkled as he said goodbye to Jiwon on the cellphone.

“Give me a few more minutes, okay.” Hanbin teased as they ended the call. “I should have told him about it that day when I met him. It completely slipped from my mind.” Hanbin sighed as Junhoe put away his phone. “I’m sorry, Junhoe-ya. I should not have done that.” Hanbin stated, reclaiming Junhoe’s hand back into his.

“It’s fine, _hyung_. We are fine.” Junhoe assured him. “I do have to get back in five minutes or so. I was supposed to go to the store for _kimbap_ and beer. “ He added, gripping Hanbin’s hand tightly. “Meet us for dinner again. If you are not busy, you know everyone misses you, don’t you? You need to take care of yourself too.” Junhoe was stating, rushing slightly, because he had just realised that it was almost an hour since he left the dorm.

“Send me what you wrote. I’ll take a look at it.” Hanbin said as Junhoe stood up releasing his hand.

“Really?!” Junhoe asked, turning to face Hanbin. Hanbin took in that winsome face under the cap, which probably belong to his paramour, of course. He looked happy, even after everything that had happened and Hanbin realised that this, more than anything else, was important for him to witness.

“A favour, though.” Hanbin whispered, pulling all stops and preventing himself from losing his bearings before Junhoe left the space he had created in his heart just for him.

“Anything.” Junhoe expressed firmly, gazing at Hanbin with admiration. 

“Just once, for ten seconds, please let me hug you.” Hanbin intoned softly. Junhoe’s smile faltered slightly.

Of course, Junhoe knew the song. It was one of his favourite tracks from the album.

As much as Hanbin loved the powerful bass of his voice, Hanbin also believed that Junhoe’s falsettos were just as magnificent. It had been one of the reasons he had been so inspired whenever he wrote; to allow Junhoe ample room to discover and flesh out his range as a vocalist.

Hanbin realised how much he had jeopardised his team once again, the night Jinhwan was waiting for his return almost a month ago to confront him about his feelings for Junhoe. It was no longer just Junhoe's happiness on the line, but Jiwon's too. Jinhwan, who reminded him of the tough times they had gone through together as trainees, how the three of them had promised to work towards their dreams together. How they rejoiced when the team was made complete with Junhoe, Yunhyeong and Donghyuk. Then ultimately, with Chanwoo.

Hanbin, in his desperation for something real, had held on selfishly to the only thing he had left from this connection he thought was unbreakable; his undying love for Junhoe. It was the wake up call he had needed.

"Ya-he looks up to you." Jinhwan piqued, flipping his long fringe back when it covered his eyes. "You will always be his leader and no one can ever take your place. That's the kind of love he has for you. Tell him to leave Jiwon and he would do it for you in a heartbeat, don't even doubt that. But will it guarantee his happiness? Are you willing to guarantee it?" Jinhwan added and the heavy silence which greeted this declaration was not the kind of weight Hanbin would want to bear, not at the cost of Junhoe's pain. _Never_.

"What should I do, Jinani?' Hanbin had asked, tears culminating in his eyes and of course, Jinhwan had no answer for that either. It was his call.

His last duty as the leader Junhoe loved and respected the most, next to his own parents. 

Junhoe nodded, biting his lips to hold back the onslaught of tears, which had threatened to rise again from the depths of his heart as the meaning of those lyrics Hanbin had wrote, hit him like a tidal wave. He opened his arms wide to receive Hanbin into his embrace.

_{Just once, before you go to him, let me hug you_

_Just enough, so it won’t ruin our friendship_

_Just enough, so I won’t have any regrets}_

**END**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for taking this ride with me. I know the ending was a long time coming, but to those who waited, I hope it was fruitful for you. I cannot believe that this was borne out of all the pain I bore with after 12th June. While none of this happened, just fleshing this story out and writing it to the end, provided me with some sort of closure. I hoped it was, in some way, helpful to you too.


End file.
